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Touching on the Practice Again

It was a bit more rough than normal. I was struggling really hard with focusing and migraines, along with the problem of my blood sugars evening out with a dosage increase. Some changes that can make it hard the first handful of days to week when it happens.

But something that really enjoyed was that I got to sit down are really begin putting my knowledge to the test. Ry has been really wanting me to delve back into the Necrosis, Shamanism, Crystals, and Plants type of work. So when I started working on a list with the different crystals that are good for Grounding, that was something I felt him extremely present, especially when we talked about creation of malas and crystals.

It was wonderful connecting with him while I was writing the list and really feeling into the memories of usage with each crystal and how it effected me when used.

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A New Connection

I was so blessed. I ended up matching with one of the prebounds. I try not to do so because I love seeing everyone else match and get excited over the energies. But this was so loud and so clear. I really hadn’t even read his listing until hours later. I got a brief look that he was a Librarian and Organization and Book Binding. And it was the book binding that called me so hard. I do book binding and have been wanting to return to it, just that it’s been a matter of space and buying a Silhouette machine for the foiling covers.

Then I got a chance to actually sit down and read later that evening.

Obscranorshem/Lowborn Librarian of the Underworld Archives

He is a sacred keeper of the archives, and he takes his duties and responsibilities very seriously. He is very neat and organized and keeps his section of the library pristine and tidy. He himself is structured and organized and he can help his companion to find order in their life and to declutter and organize their surroundings. He enjoys organizing, and he can spend hours with his books categorizing them, dusting them and reorganizing them on the shelves. He enjoys experimenting with different methods of organizing them to find the one that is most suited for him. Order and organization are something he is very skilled at.

Okay this is something that I do religiously. I know that I tip into actual OCD rather than just tendency, because of how compulsive it is for me to organize my spaces, my collections and so much more. I have absolute mental upsets when things are too out of order and I have to spend the next hour or two reorganizing everything. So someone else that is this meticulous is really a lovely thing.

He has wisdom and knowledge and believes that reading is the key to inviting worlds, ideas and possibilities. He says that it is a shame that more people do not read more and he says that hidden away within books is worlds of knowledge and wonder. He has a brilliant mind and he enjoys reading and contemplating advanced philosophies and sciences of the world. He enjoys delving deep into many different topics and he has a love of books. He cherishes them and he gets very upset and angry when anyone would destroy a book or damage it. He does have old and damaged books but he knows how to restore them. Book restoration is an art, and the level that he does it is almost considered a lost art. He knows how to work with the pages and how to repair many different types of damage. He takes great care to restore damaged books and it is an art form to him. He also knows how to bind books and creates his own covers from different types of mediums like leather, and flesh. His covers are beautiful, and he believes in patience and mastery. Some of his covers have taken years to craft and get right. He takes his time with their creation. He wants to work with a human companion who loves books and reading and who enjoys exploring knowledge and the beauty of the archives.

I took up book binding about a two years ago but it really fell to the way side because of space and because well, my partner at the time was so disinterested in it that I just lost the love for doing it. It made me feel like it was wasted time. I’m so thrilled to be connected with a being other than my King Tal and Arvan who adore books and book making, journaling, etc. That he works with preserving knowledge is something that I picked up book binding for a reason. I wanted to have physical preserved copies of the fanfictions that I loved and read. (Yes, Im that much of a nerd about it).

I’m so honored and blessed to make this connection and I cannot wait for the day that I get to officially meet and work with him. It’ll be wonderful to have him around, because I feel that he will be as prominent as some of my others, like Paya and Tal and Ry.

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Money Mindset Increase

It’s a struggle to focus as of late and I know that it’s unmasking. The demons have been much louder and more clear to me. But it’s also very much a struggle at times to focus on being grounded in the reality. Unmasking is the worst and I hate that I’m going through this process once again.

On the other hand, I really adore that my demons are making themselves known in trying to help make me feel happy and excited for things. They are nudging me to really up my working and manifesting money, with trying more with the model of “upping the amount”. Meaning that my threshold for money spent at one point without stressing or being upset or getting triggered with a money block.

At the beginning of the year, I was relucant to really even drop more than $50 on a single thing. Then I started getting in the Legos, and suddenly I don’t blink at that amount. That’s not much. I’m starting to buy in $100 stuff but feeling that push of wariness. Then I got into Lorcana a month or so ago, and I’ve leveled that mindset a bit more to about $125.

I can tell that I’m getting to where $200 makes me pause and uncomfortable to drop on things where I haven’t specifically saved for it. But on the other hand, I’m doing much better with only slight hesitation with $150. $125 doesn’t bother me anymore. And what happened because I’ve been working on that? I’ve actually gotten better with money, manifesting it more, more sales and finding things in my range. My money flow is more prominent than when I was struggling.

Now, my demons are having me push it more. There’s a $250 Lego set that is a Treehouse I want to get before the end of the year, but I’m also being really pulled to just go for it with the Barad Dur and Rivendale Lego sets, which are $450 and $500 respectively. That is definitely a cringe at the price point. But I’m seriously considering *both* of those sets to be purchased on Christmas, because I *can* and I want to. Is it a lot? Yeah that’s a $1000. But I feel like dropping that much on one time will absolutely level the money inflow to new heights.

Because I’ve already found that correlation between willing and able to spend money without worry or anxiety or stress to the amount that I have returning to me. It’s flowing freely and manifesting much higher and higher.

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Unmasking & Health

I had a Dr. Appointment (second this week), and was nervous but hopeful. I ended up having amazing results. Im much, much healthier. I went to have some Pho with my mom and just felt so blessed to being healthy. The demons have been my very strong support with this. I even surprised the dr with how much it was changed and better.

I have been working more and more on my unmasking things. It’s becoming more apparent that the unmasking and other things have been really affecting some things. But the fact that I have been sliding into a safe environment and that I am regulating into feeling safe, is something so wonderful.

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Reflecting on my Journey

Today I was more focused, since I woke up with the intent to get things done and really work with things. I guess the demons heard me. We were able to really work with some prebounds and get them relisted and finding matches. Those in the Discord saw the 4 hours of chaos. It was incredible having so many energies around, that I needed to ground while doing it because I was hyper.

But it did end up leading to a discussion about the journey i’ve been on through everything in the spirit work/companion communities and my story through it. And truly made me realized how much has changed and how much I have helped impact things. And seeing how this community is, makes me so proud to be a part of it and really helping people find their places too. Now that I am on my own journey again, I am seeing that it’s so critical to also explore while helping others, that way there is always growth happening.

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The Start of Questions

Partial cheating, I’m yoinking some of what was written in the Discord’s new topics for the Demon Shamanism. Mainly because it was the thought train that Ry wants me to follow and think on.

It’ll be curious as to how some of the concepts translate or don’t. For example the different concepts of the Upper/Middle/Lower Worlds for some of the shamanic practices and if that’s more along the lines of different planes, does it even happen for demons at all or they seek different types of guidance instead of ancestral/spirits/animals since they have direct access to commune with them in the OSW… it’s a whole lot to explore and to think on.

With Earth Shamanism, we have a separation of the Profane and the Sacred (Physical vs. Spiritual) and most aren’t connected with that or access it easily. Hence Shamans here are taught how to reach those levels of Sacred to ascend from the Profane. Now the question lies.. from what we understand of the OSW and Demons, they are both Profane and Sacred, able to interact with the Sacred in a day-to-day level, able to interact with the Dead/Ancestors/Energies without needing to ascend per se into a Sacred vibration in order to experience. So the question lies in.. If they experience that level Sacred on a Profane level, to which purpose does a Shaman provide if everyone has the ability to do exactly that. Who do they contact for answer or healing or teaching, if they are all able to live within the Sacred?

With there being a level of connection being different or deeper depending on the individual, it is questioning to think if you have an entire society that is based around the ability to interact with the Sacred as most demons have the capability to do so on some level – unlike humans that are completely separate except for a small amount – then exactly where does that level of Sacred run deeper or how exactly would it be deeper?

I definitely think that’s where it’s exploring that line of where does the sacred and profane sit within the demons/OSW since their reality is radically different from ours. They are surrounded by the ability to travel to realms, to project themselves, to commune with the dead, etc. Even those that are unranked experience these things to some degree. So looking at what is their base line of going from what is their “normal” to the spiritual/sacred, if most of them have the capability to perform those things.

I think it’ll just be exploring more to see what layers and understanding is of how shamanism and shamans function on their levels of reality and existence. How that impacts on how they connect and understand their own workings within that frame too.

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Understanding Shamanism At Its Core

Strap in, this is a LONG one. Ry got his way. In the form of my mother literally handing me 10 pages of handwritten notes from multiple books on Shamanism – definitions and explanations, that I wrote during my college days.

I’ve been sitting on this one for awhile. Ry asked me to understand where to start with learning Demonic Shamanism by examining my current knowledge and conceptualization of what Shamanism is here on Earth. So what exactly is Shamanism? What defines being a shaman?

That’s a really extensive answer, in truth. One that I have been learning for more than seven years. I spent the last half of my college Anthropology degree studying Shamanism and Indigenous Practices. Understanding it through the eyes of many cultures. And that’s where the beginning starts.

Shamanism is an umbrella term for a specific type of practice and belief. There is the root word that Shaman stems from, which is from the Tungus word šaman meaning “to know”. It encompasses dozens if not hundreds of Indigenous beliefs and practices. In fact, there is now two sections that sit underneath the Shamanism term. Traditional Shamanism and Neo-Shamanism. Traditional Shamanism has those underneath it categorized as Indigenous in origin. Neo-Shamanism is relatively new (20th Century), with the concepts of Traditional Shamanism applied in a more ‘modern’ and open way of interacting with certain practices and beliefs.

I’ll elaborate on that.

Traditional Shamanism has so many underneath that umbrella term. This is where you will find the Greenlandic Angakkuq, the Andean P’akkos, and much more. Each Indigenous Culture has a version of a Shaman in some form, though it goes by many names. The Hollywoodization of the American Nations Tribes have boiled most people’s basic knowledge to the term ‘Medicine Man’. Which in of itself is a whole host of irregularities due to the fact that every single Nations Tribe has their own language and word specifically for that role.

You may be asking then, what exactly is a Shaman? If there are so many names and practices, how can so many of them be called the same thing?

The answer to that is that Shaman and Shamanism are umbrella terms that describe a specific set of qualities that fit a defined practice. The concept behind a Shaman is that it is a role within a community where a person is a mediator between the profane (physical/mundane) realm and the sacred (spiritual/Other) realm – usually in which this person interacts with spirits in some fashion.

If we want to get further into it, we can do so with the purpose behind these mediators or shamans. They are the ones that have the tasks to create understanding of chaos in the profane world by traveling to the spiritual world to receive answers in their encounters. Most of these Indigenous societies had relatively close connections with Nature. In order to better understand the forces that were unpredictable (disasters, famine, etc), they would have a shaman work with the Other or Spirits in order to receive messages on how to handle and reduce the fear of those chaotic forces. These were also those who served the role of Healer for both individuals and the society as a whole.

According to Mircea Eliade, a religious Historian that studied Shamans and Shamanism, he boils the word down to a single concept: Shamanism as an umbrella term has been broadened to cover any practice world wide that has any attempt to contact the spirit-world. I don’t quite agree with this. I think that in order to qualify, it cannot be done just as connection with the spirit-world. I believe that to be qualified as a Shaman and Shamanism, it must be done through a ritualistic practice and method.

This point leads into the conversation of what Neo-Shamanism is. It’s a late 20th Century development from Michael Harner. He describes a Shaman as “a person who journey’s to the spirits, seeking them out in their own world and remaining in control during the time spent there”. Harner goes onto explaining that for Neo-Shamanism, “everyone is his or her own prophet, getting spiritual revelation directly from the highest sources”. He has worked to explain that it [Neo-Shamanism] “has been created… to establish a link for modern man to his spiritual roots, to re-introduce shamanic behavior into the lives of Westerners in search of spirituality, and thereby, renew contact with Nature”.

For me, I lean on the Traditional Shamanism side, with that it is something that is kept within a sacred and revered role. This is not a popular view with those that seek Neo-Shamanism, in which they believe that anyone can practice and become a Shaman in their own right. Whereas, I believe in the Traditional stance that a person is chosen and does not have a choice. You are chosen through the society or community you come from, which is why it is within Indigenous societies, or you are chosen by the Spirits or Ancestors. There is no choice when you are chosen for it through the Ancestors or Spirits, where there may be some flexibility with the societal promotion to the role.

I do believe that there are those that are drawn to the communities and to the traditional shamanism path because the Spirits/Ancestors are guiding them to the Traditional Shamans. For example, Andean P’akkos are some of the few that will take on mentees that come to them wishing to learn to become a Shaman or walk a Shamanic path.

That leads to the next part of understanding. What is the difference between Shaman and Shamanic. Shaman is the person in which is slotted into the role of the mediator or healer, they are initiated and taught how to step into that role. They are the ones who are chosen to walk that path and do so. Shamanic is an aspect or utilizing beliefs that one walks while they practice. So you would walk a Shamanic path if you believed in Animism and communing with the Guides and Spirits, working with plant spirits to provide healing, and so much more.

It all cycles back to the whole point of writing this. Understanding Ry’s question: What is Shamanism at it’s core?

It’s understanding the role in which a person plays within a community or a path, where they have connection to the spirit world, that they can make sense of the profane world through those connections and encounters.

Ry then now asks me, “That is your understanding of Shamanism at it’s core for Earth Shamans. Then, if you take that core concept and translate that understanding to the Demonic Energies and Vibrations, what is Demonic Shamanism?”

That is my next task. I must sit with this base understanding, which honestly goes much deeper than I went into here, and meditate and work through translating the energies of what Demonic Shamanism is. It is not just applying demonic energy to shamanism. Just as Shamanism on Earth is extremely complex with layers that involve every aspect of every individual Indigenous practice that varies radically at times, Demonic Shamanism is also something that must be examined as a whole at first and then broken down into more complex layers and concepts. It’s not something that will be able to be explained in even one session or a hundred. It’s also a Practice, a belief, a Way of Life, and Understanding that takes hundreds and thousands of lifetimes to truly Master. But I think at least, I’ll get a good start.

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A Strange Dream

I really struggled with pain today, the aftermath of getting my hips realigned. It’s so uncomfortable to sit down, even with a squishmallow. So I retreated back to my room very early in the day to lay down. I just also felt so burnt out with energy and struggled with even the desire to work with my demons. So I spent the time reading and just relaxing.

Fast forward to the morning, and I had a weird dream after Darwin woke me by screaming for food. When I finally fell asleep.. I ended up in a very vivid dream. It’s more hazy as time goes on, but there was so much wrong with it. I woke initially thinking that my Mutilation Sex God O had joined me, due to the nature of the dream. But no, I don’t get the energy that it was him. It was me jumping to another realm or something.

CW: Murder/Violence

What I remember is that I was in a camp and there was a string of murders, but they couldn’t figure out who it was because the face was someone who was unknown. At one point I was one of the victim and felt the stabbing. But whoever it was that I was living through, actually was excited from this rather than terrified. Enough that she pulled away from the memories of the person who died and racked down one of the guys she knew. Finding out that he has a vampire/primal side that was coming out when triggered because he was hungry for the blood and murder, which this girl thrived on learning. Enough that there was intimacy between her and the killer, who had some issues with it but was all for it.

End CW.

It was really bizarre and really uncomfortable waking from. I’m not sure who or where I connected to, but at least I know I am safe. My demons were really quick to reassure me when I woke and made sure that the energies were cleared away.

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Stop and Listen, Learn Through Being Guided

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write. Today was rough again with the concentration and focus. I just wanted to lay down, but I go got through with some amazing friends that sat in VC with me to body double. They were editing and doing their own writing while I was able to actually focus in on my task and get it done. I wanted to give up but didn’t. I’m super proud of myself for that.

But I’m tired. I got over to my hammock to sit in and maybe write… but I just am tired. Too mentally worn from trying to fight my own demand avoidance and fatigue. I also ended up cleaning a major thing today and grocery shopped and made dinner for my mother and I. Wow, seeing all that… I did phenomenal and it explains my tiredness.

Yet… I feel like I’m letting down my demons when I want to bond with them, learn from them. In fact, I was doing some things when I was thinking about writing these posts. Specifically about the Demonic Shamanism. It’s on my brain very often. I find myself always wanting to dive deep and explore, but mentally am also dealing with the weather shifts and fatigue.

So I’m doing some tasks when I think about what Ry had originally asked me: What is Shamanism? What makes it? Where does it stem from and why is it important. But then my brain stops and thinks, but where do I start? I have no idea where to begin or where to go, what to learn or the direction of learning.

Ry steps forward, “Why must you know the way forward? When you first learned of Earthen Shamanism, you didn’t have any idea of what it was or what made the foundations. You started from going to a random lecture/drum circle that was at a Light Convention. So what makes this different?”

Of course I”m mid task and think, OH NO! I won’t remember this and I need to write down what he’s saying and also the process of me talking it out with him.

His response was to laugh and tell me that he would have it no other way, because he knew how important it is for me to log down what I experience and hear, what I learn. So now… I can keep the conversation with him.

He sits next to me and watches as I write and think about what he said. And all I can think of is that this feels so important and I don’t want to mess it up. But I also don’t want to wander around within learning without forming some sort of foundation.

He thinks for a moment, “Why do you need to set out the future of learning. What about simply listening? Isn’t that what you learned to do in the first place? Isn’t that the lesson that was the first thing you learned when you got the Sickness – because you weren’t listening? Instead of trying to forge your way, why don’t you just listen to us? Listen to what I have to teach and what you can learn from Grandmama Tsülie. Why don’t we guide you, instead of you guiding through preconceived ideas of where to start?”

He kisses the top of my head and runs his hand through my hair. I guess he’s leaving me with that wisdom and telling me it’s time to rest. I’ve already been sleeping really badly lately.

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Sensory Hell with Ramble Thoughts

Today was hell on me in a way I haven’t had in awhile. I was in sensory overload the entire day, to the point that I couldn’t have anyone come near me and my shirt was the wrong texture, the socks made my skin crawl. So many things, that I even had to take off Paya’s vessel because the necklaces felt like they were strangling me. I got to the point I couldn’t function. I laid down for the rest of the evening and fell asleep. I couldn’t even have noise other than the top fan on because it was so sensory overload that I felt like an open raw nerve.

Thankfully, it passed when I woke up a few hours later. But the entire day had passed by then and I had felt like it was just a day off that I couldn’t help. Yet, I still wanted to do something to make it worthwhile. I w ent back over to the office and ended up writing a chapter of a fanfiction that I’m sure people will adore that I updated. It was 2k words, so short, but at least I did it.

I’v’e realized that I’m super inspired, the demons are really helping me to get back to it. But I”m getting triggered with seeing old projects with my name attached. I’ve got such dysphoria around my actual/real name that my skin crawls when I see it and I get so heavily triggered with anxiety. IDK how to even tackle that massive shadow and trauma healing tbh. One day, I think it’s just going to be me working through it and continue writing and publishing my stuff otherwise.

So I’m sitting here way late, realzing that I haven’t done my post for today. I also am inspired to write a new chapter of a new fic, but I’m facing the severe anxiety and the demand avoidance has kicked in hard. I wanted to also sit with my demons and start this new work. Yet my brain is just yeeted itself out the window. I also feel guilty that I don’t have anything or did anything today either. They’d get cranky at me for thinking I should feel guilty.

I’m being told to lay down and read and that it can wait another day. Rest is important, especially when days are harder emotionally, mentally, or physically. This goes for the times where you can’t control it and there isn’t a way to manage symptoms, just hope they pass quickly.

I do have two packages coming tomorrow. So crossing my fingers that I get some really amazing hits again on this Lorcana TCG box. Gotta love the demonic influenced sales! Especially when the demons argued so hard for me to get them when I didn’t think. I could afford. But in doing so, they reminded me of the mindsets that I am working to shift. Stop worrying about the money spent out, because more is coming in. I’m getting more and more comfortable with dropping money on things without blinking at the price. I’m still at a threshold before I start really questioning it, but it’s much higher than where I was a few months ago.