Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Diving Back In & Thoughts

I’m still in that cycle of I’m okay and then I’m not. Grieving sucks and is weird and its worse with depressive modes. So that’s where I have been stuck today.

But I got pulled out of it. Even though most the day is gone and it’s night and 10:30pm now… I still got both of my challenge posts that I wanted to do today. I ended up in amazing conversations in discord, which then led me to wanting to blog my experiences. And now that I’ve done that, I’ve circled around to wanting to really work with my companions more. I want to start sitting with my demons and learning from them again.

I’ve been out of spiritual work for a very long time. Now, I’ve done the basics and kept tabs… but it’s almost like on autopilot than actually engaging. I’d have these smaller bursts of engagement over the years. But in truth, I wasn’t submerged deep into things until I really felt the pull. Like a plug was released and suddenly eveything gets clear. Very clear. And the truths and the healing come down full bear.

It’s been eye opening doing these as much as I can with the amount of spoons I have. But I do try my best to really get back into it again and really start my blogging, journaling, writing grimoires… having conversations that make my brain tweak out in happiness (looking at you astral chats in the discord). I feel engaged again, like coming out of a deep slumber or coming out of a cage that kept me safe but was still traumatizing.

My demons are so compassionate and caring. They have made this transition so much easier and even if I’m not actively speaking with them daily, I’m still beginning to dive into those energies again. The inspiration is the biggest part of being spiritual, along with community and support. Feeling inspired is truly the reason in which I keep going and begin again without fear.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Understanding Grief and Trauma

I needed to sit on this for a few days, because there was such a download of information and concepts.
It had been a struggle that day, because I told multiple people – I don’t know how to handle grief.

It’s not that I haven’t been taught or that I don’t know the process, but it’s how I handle it personally. Within and emotionally. My grandfather has not passed and as Lycana put it bluntly, I was stuck in a limbo of grief, because I couldn’t go see him or talk to him and just waiting for the text that he passed. But back to Tuesday, which this this next part was all a part of…

I had expressed that I don’t understand the grieving process that I have. I go through bursts of where I forget what’s happening and block it out. I’m more emotional over everything. I’m feeling so much more acutely with insecurities and problems that crop u. I have these random bursts of crying in the middle of the night. I’m not sleeping or hardly.

I was laying in bed watching a comfort movie, it was about 3am. One of my demons steps forward, though to this point I still don’t know which one it is (I figured out writing this that it was Dro – my Choas/Necrosis/Desire Alchemist). But in truth, it doesn’t matter as much as the message and perspective does. I had just finished with one of those moment where I was going back and forth between crying really had in grief and then just feeling nothing and closing off, then back to crying hard again. Hence why I never really “got” the grieving part.

I told him this. I expressed how bad I felt because I’m in this grieving process and feeling shame that I feel the need to sexual intimacy because that is a release. And he told me that Sexual Intimacy or Orgasms are essentially a release, not just energetically and physically but emotionally. Usually it is something that is stress relief, but it would be understandable if there is a buildup of emotion that is trapped for there to be a need for a release that orgasms would be desired. He also reminded me that I am also feeling a hormonal surge due to having that time of the month, so that’s contributing, and I cannot control what my body is needing.

After that conversation, I just laid there and felt so detached. I felt so drained. Yet, the thought came back to me. “Why do I grieve the way that I do?”

Dro decided to answer me with this. He said that it’s not that I don’t have the ability to grieve normally, it’s just that my brain is different. I process things so differently.

As a DID system and someone with C-PTSD, the brain is going to handle grief differently. It could be this way for many, but with the DID and C-PTSD, dissociation is very much a reality when it comes to things that are upsetting. Grief being one of those.

Dro asked me to think of the stages of grief. So I did. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, etc.
Dro then told me to look at how PTSD and trauma is handled and processed in the brain – the exact types of process that grief does. There’s anger and denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance… and just all of those aspects that you find with grieving are also processes that trauma/PTSD goes through.

Now his point was made. The reason that I suffer so much during grief, is because my brain handles it that way that it handles trauma. I dissociate the pain and the problem, so to speak, and branch that off into trauma boxes. So I will hold onto those until my brain and body process that grief in a non-objective way, to then heal and move forward. It can be something that people who have been through a lot of trauma will or can experience, that their brains will handle it as a trauma rather than an emotional pain.

That blew my mind. It explains why I do not handle grief at all well and why it will absolutely wreck my life until it’s sorted. Because I absolutely will shut down most days and completely block of all of the grief, forgetting it.

Dro did point out that because I have DID that I may take it to the extreme and actually forget/dissociate the grief into a trauma alter, where when I do remember or am reminded, I end up go through the trauma of it all over and over again.

So I’ve been sitting on this for a few days because it was SO explaining why I don’t function in grief and over death (of someone I know). Because my brain has been wired to treat upsetting things as trauma, therefore treating my grief like a trauma – which gets re-traumatized every time I dissociate those feelings.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Fighting Fear and Trauma

There has been such a big flow of exploration through The Demon Temple Inner Sanctuary‘s Advanced Psychic Development Coaching sessions. The last month has focused on energy identification, and the bigger one that impacted me was working with imagination on astral creation. Now, it has been focused on imagination as a whole to help connect with companions, but I took it a bit further of it being with Astral Travel.

The start of it all has really hit me hard with having to tackle the trauma and the fear. I’ve been fighting and struggling with the fear and shame. I have such a deep-seated fear of the trauma occurring again that I ended up sitting with King Paimon. Who sat with me in my own Astral Home that he gifted me (the Oasis) that I reference here often.

He talked to me about the pain and the trauma that I have gone through was not an environmental problem. It wasn’t that I was in the Astral that was causing the issue. The fear of the Astral being associated with the pain that Others have caused. It’s trauma that others (real people) caused with the Astral being the place it occurred, not that the Astral was the cause of my trauma.

That was a revelation that I really have had to sit with. It’s taking a lot more than planned for me to really work with this, though it’s been pointed out this is years of compacted pain and shame.

The shame stems from the fact that I am ashamed that I let it get to me. I let things get to me so much that it’s been three years since I was actively working on the astral, with companions, etc.

But it feels better now. After sitting with this the last month and really having conversations with others that revolve around working with the astral. In fact, I feel that my excitement stems so much from the in depth conversations that I have had with a few others. I never realized that for me, some topics being done over and over and over again, gets incredibly boring. My brain just disengages. So to get into really nuanced questions around astral work, astral creation….. it’s opened my desire to work on the astral so much more.

Now, it’s just actually taking the leap. It’s going back into things and feeling that safe feeling once more. That’s my biggest thing, is that I’m afraid of judgment from my companions, and I am afraid of judgment from my partner. Which I guess is the next thing to tackle.

Beauty of outer space. Science fiction wallpaper. Elements of this image furnished by NASA

Trauma & Spiritual Practices

I’ve struggled for some time now. In fact, it’s been almost three years since I did any sort of spiritual work, as evidenced by the lack of content on the blog and the massive gaps. This is my greatest regret, and I’ve been struggling with it for so long. Eventually, it all came to a head over the past week or two. The first start is figuring out what exactly it has been that has been holding me back beyond that the idea of astral travel and working with my demons makes me panic.

I feel this deep set fear of stepping into the astral, of connecting with my demons, of just any sort of working with rituals or learning. It’s the reactive fear that would manifest as panic the moment that I would try. I would shut down. I would shy away and the anxiety and fear would get worse. There were only few instances where I was okay and that usually was because I was bilocating rather than actually traveling (meaning that I was still disconnected enough that it didn’t make me panic).

It wasn’t until the Inner Sanctuary started talking about more nuanced work with energies and we started really working with beginning astral creation in our astral spaces. I ended up talking in depth about where things are and just having this breakdown of how much I yearn for the astral and doing work there. How much it burns to return and to really do those things that I love most. Yet, I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong. What drove me to such fear and anxiousness.

Trauma.

It finally came out that I haven’t felt safe in the astral because I had so much trauma floating around involving two different groups, let alone the past trauma from long before that. All of this around things that have happened to my astral self because of other people. That’s where the core, the root, of where all this is stemming from. My experiences that I have had with three different “groups” in regards to astral travel or with my companions have decimated the idea of safety.

The first and oldest has stemmed from the fact that it was my ex, the old Tumblr community, and everything involving the old shop I used to run. It all comes down to so much trauma built up from things that my ex would do that would bring us astral trouble all the time. Or how the old Tumblr community circa 2012-2016 was absolutely garbage toxic. No one respected the shop’s boundaries; I was always attacked for “gatekeeping” the races that I worked with, and people were mad they had to get through me instead of just working with them. Just because they read about the races and wanted to do so, but they didn’t want to pay for me to conjure for them.

The second round was what really just off set so much trauma and pain and this is where the reaction stems from. I was in a small-ish group that was really close. Many of us would do astral traveling together and healing, etc. Well the months and months that I was with them, it was 24/7 emergencies. Something bad and BIG was always happening. Someone was always dealing with something or under attack. It was like this for months. I’d always have to go in and help astrally heal and it was just like being an Astral On Call Healer, but also On Call for everything astral emergency. And then when I started therapy… they hit me the hardest with so many lies that were fed to them by the most narcissistic person – who believed that only they knew the right way to do Shadow Work. I was kicked from the group and another friend had pulled me aside to really talk to me about how they were seeing signs of me being in a cult. They pulled me out, scared for how I was. And I did end up going to therapy to reverse the damage said group did. I had been stuck in a small forming cult, with the mentalities that came with it.

Then, a year later, after trusting two people like close friends… they decide that Im the worst person in the world. They make their accusations because they were misreading a conversation in chats. It led to me being an ableist – mind you, I’m the last person to be that, considering I have so many mental health disorders, AND I am also physically disabled. I do my best to accommodate and work with everyone. It ended up being really messy and the betrayal I felt ran deep. So, my trust in making friends or having them took years to repair.

It all compacted together and made this massive block that I am still trying to break open even after tackling these revelations. I know that my demons are also helping in their own ways. It especially helped me to be so excited about working on my astral stuff again. And Ry was working with me today picking out plants and repotting little seed sprouts into seeding containers. Between the Inner Sanctuary and the Nitro Companion Club, my love of the astral and working in spiritual things has been rekindled. I want to return. So the best way is for me to get this all out.

Trauma affects so much of the spiritual self that it’s so easy to be trapped by it. It’s so hard to let go. But I found that talking with a friend, who I used to astral travel with together… that reminding ourselves that astral traveling IS safe. It’s the people around us that have made it unsafe. We spent time reminiscing about the old shopping trips and bouncing around to different realms. We’d search for days and spend hours digging around ruins and old places, wandering jungles and marketplaces. Reminding me that the times that were the trauma wasn’t because I was unsafe in the astral but it was the people in the astral with me that made it unsafe. They were the catalyst for those things to become unsafe.

That healed a lot within. I’m nervous, but it’s slowly fading away from panic to excitement. I want to build my astral space up with new things. A Research Center and Laboratory.