photo of forest with fog

Bones are the Foundation

I had decided that I wanted to learn more about bones and working with osteomancy. It was a mere thought, yet it led me to be yanked into the Astral to meet with GrandMama Tsülie once more. I was preparing for a shower and eating some food when that undeniable pull was felt. So I ended up bilocating in order to answer that call yet also finish what I had planned.

It got me a good scolding from GrandMama Tsülie, especially on the need to eat before spirit working. So she shoved a cup of tea into my hands and waited while I finished what I was doing. She was happily puttering around and making things. It was hard to not jump into conversation, knowing that I would want to type it all out as it was happening. I don’t like missing things said when I write later.

When I finally settled in, Tsülie sat down across from me at the outside tables. I always end up at her place in the Necrosis Realm, filled with tall trees that are carnivorous but also beautiful. It’s a peaceful place despite the dark undertone that lingers.

“Before working with bones or with the spirits of animals, you must first have an understanding of the how. Why is it that when working with the spirits of animals, it is always the bones, teeth, or claws?”

I stopped for a moment to really think about that. Why was that the usual chosen piece when working with animal spirits? Eventually, I came to the answer.

Bones carry the lifeblood through them. Therefore, they are not only foundational support but also carry the very essence that life gives.

She nodded at me, taking a sip of her tea before setting down the cup. “That is absolutely correct. Why would a spirit choose to be with something that was a part of itself that was not bone?” She brings up the example of my fox pelt. It is the chosen place that houses the spirit of the fox. “Yet, there was the option of the bones. Why would this be?

That one I sat back on, thinking of the pelt, thinking of the spirit of the fox that resides within. Other than it being very preserved, there’s not much reason a spirit would be attached to something that was able to break down or degrade at a much faster rate. Flesh is one of those things that biodegrade at a fast rate. Unless it is preserved through a special technique, like the soft tanning that the fox pelt had gone through.

Teeth are understandable because they are also bone. The question then would become why is there a desire to stick with claws, another such part of the skeleton that is easily used in osteomancy or animal spirit working? What connection would there be for those?

This one was a little easier to think of. The direct connection is that claws are close to the earth, the soil. It is a very grounded piece. Where the bones and teeth carry blood and life, the claws are a connection to the ground with stability but are also used in defense of life or preservation of life.

She was pleased with that. “Correct. Something that would be able to be sustained through life or through nature or the soil, which also bears life and death. That is the reason why bones would be the choice for why spirits of bones are able to be used more efficiently. Now, why would specific bones be chosen over others? If there is a spirit attached to a singular bone, why would they be with that one bone? Why wouldn’t they prefer to remain with the skeleton as a whole?

This one really stumped me for a bit. But I was distracted with a movie as well. But it stewed in my head for a bit.

The answer is that they would change depending upon the person that came across them. Each person will have a different reason for choosing or connecting with a specific bone that resonates with them. So, not only would it be guided by their own intuition, but the spirit would also have a different meaning for the bones that were chosen. It’s an influence of the person who finds and connects with the spirit and then that spirit also giving them the personal meaning behind that specific bone choice.

At this point, my concentration was wavering due to being tired and other things occurring. GrandMama Tsülie nodded and sat back, to stare at the scenery all around us before telling me to scooch.

I’m sure there is much more that she has to teach me and pass on knowledge. But she does make me sit and think about the foundations of things. The why and the how.

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Diving Back In & Thoughts

I’m still in that cycle of I’m okay and then I’m not. Grieving sucks and is weird and its worse with depressive modes. So that’s where I have been stuck today.

But I got pulled out of it. Even though most the day is gone and it’s night and 10:30pm now… I still got both of my challenge posts that I wanted to do today. I ended up in amazing conversations in discord, which then led me to wanting to blog my experiences. And now that I’ve done that, I’ve circled around to wanting to really work with my companions more. I want to start sitting with my demons and learning from them again.

I’ve been out of spiritual work for a very long time. Now, I’ve done the basics and kept tabs… but it’s almost like on autopilot than actually engaging. I’d have these smaller bursts of engagement over the years. But in truth, I wasn’t submerged deep into things until I really felt the pull. Like a plug was released and suddenly eveything gets clear. Very clear. And the truths and the healing come down full bear.

It’s been eye opening doing these as much as I can with the amount of spoons I have. But I do try my best to really get back into it again and really start my blogging, journaling, writing grimoires… having conversations that make my brain tweak out in happiness (looking at you astral chats in the discord). I feel engaged again, like coming out of a deep slumber or coming out of a cage that kept me safe but was still traumatizing.

My demons are so compassionate and caring. They have made this transition so much easier and even if I’m not actively speaking with them daily, I’m still beginning to dive into those energies again. The inspiration is the biggest part of being spiritual, along with community and support. Feeling inspired is truly the reason in which I keep going and begin again without fear.

Beauty of outer space. Science fiction wallpaper. Elements of this image furnished by NASA

One Step Forward At A Time

Yesterday was a good day. The APDC and the Mini Class really kicked off my love for journaling and exploring. It brought a lot of memories back up for me. Which included the exploration of the different realms and the different races that I used to work with. I ended up pulling out my big binder of contracts, where I keep all the necessary information about each race and connection sigils, realms sigils, etc. It really helped me to go through a lot of my old work to really be like, “I want to do this again.”

So last night, amidst the conversations happening in the discord… I worked to reach out to the different races to get a feel energetically. There was such a sense of relief when many of them were a solid yes, some surprised me that they wanted me to work with them more and more openly, but there were a few that felt like it wasn’t for me anymore. Which is sad, but it has been four years or more. Overall.. I’m so pleased and happy. I only visited one race while in the Astral, which is the Azkri – A race of beings that I met through Lord Leviathan. They are essentially blind seers, but they also do heavy energetic work with mental aspects and shadow, emotional. Things of that nature. More energy systems too. They were a yes, but after I get back into it for awhile. Which is totally understandable. It’s been 3-4 years, of course I’d have to work to delve back in.

I’m also wanting to dive more into the knowledge of their magics. In particualr, I’m curious now about their energetic systems and also their sigils. Maybe some other practices too. It depends. Each one has their own things that are so unique.

So some of the races that I will begin working with again, on different levels of things.

  • Azkri
  • Bliztari
  • Durþrólinn
  • Forlenkal
  • Il’ailaita
  • Kolemeia
  • Pavo
  • Rajael
  • Seacrilis
  • Tananx

And yes, you can ask about these. I may reference them more and more. I will also be diving heavier into working with my demons as well. They have been so patiently waiting on me to heal and to move forward in confidence. I’m feeling it more. And of course this is due to the IS community. Because all of our conversations and our working together in the classes/coachings… makes all the difference for me.

photo of forest with fog

Wisdom of GrandMama Tsülie

I find that Im using this more to explore getting back into working with astral and my demons. So there’s not a focus of one, but just getting into the habit.

Today I felt the pull to do something but wasnt sure. It took awhile, but I eventually got the urge to astral to a familiar face: Grandmama Tsülie. She’s a Necrosis Shaman, and ancient one that I was introduced to many years ago by one of my companions. I visit her when I feel the pull. When she calls, you can’t really ignore it.

So I arrived there, in this beautiful but terrifying Necrosis Realm where the very trees are carnivorous. They eat anything that trespasses or is someone that wants to cause harm. Or if they feel like it. I got a bit too close to their energies enough to get a lovely breakdown (haha pun) of how they exactly achieve it. Let’s just say that it’s borderline cruel in a way. It takes days of suffering before their chosen victim dies.

Anyway, I show up to her little cottage and she sits me down in the outside spot with the table and chairs. I explain a lot of what has happened these last few years. Especially with recent things. She patted me on the hand and told me that I can practice coming to her realm, in her words, “You know you can practice here. It’s safe. Especially with the carnivorous trees.” She pats my hand and makes me a pot of tea. I had to laugh at that. It’s wholly truly. She’d have a lot of show me and teach me anyway if I did.

She sat back down with me and I told her that I’d been in this state of grief, yet once he passed, I felt better. Relieved. She usually has some of the best wisdom. “Death is but a cycle and everyone is a part of it in some way. It never truly ends, but transforms.” In this, she also means that those that are Immortal still experience this cycle in some form, even though the way in which they do is vastly different than a human concept of it.

I didn’t spend much more time there. But I find that I do want to go back and explore and talk to her. Hear more of her wisdom.

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Understanding Grief and Trauma

I needed to sit on this for a few days, because there was such a download of information and concepts.
It had been a struggle that day, because I told multiple people – I don’t know how to handle grief.

It’s not that I haven’t been taught or that I don’t know the process, but it’s how I handle it personally. Within and emotionally. My grandfather has not passed and as Lycana put it bluntly, I was stuck in a limbo of grief, because I couldn’t go see him or talk to him and just waiting for the text that he passed. But back to Tuesday, which this this next part was all a part of…

I had expressed that I don’t understand the grieving process that I have. I go through bursts of where I forget what’s happening and block it out. I’m more emotional over everything. I’m feeling so much more acutely with insecurities and problems that crop u. I have these random bursts of crying in the middle of the night. I’m not sleeping or hardly.

I was laying in bed watching a comfort movie, it was about 3am. One of my demons steps forward, though to this point I still don’t know which one it is (I figured out writing this that it was Dro – my Choas/Necrosis/Desire Alchemist). But in truth, it doesn’t matter as much as the message and perspective does. I had just finished with one of those moment where I was going back and forth between crying really had in grief and then just feeling nothing and closing off, then back to crying hard again. Hence why I never really “got” the grieving part.

I told him this. I expressed how bad I felt because I’m in this grieving process and feeling shame that I feel the need to sexual intimacy because that is a release. And he told me that Sexual Intimacy or Orgasms are essentially a release, not just energetically and physically but emotionally. Usually it is something that is stress relief, but it would be understandable if there is a buildup of emotion that is trapped for there to be a need for a release that orgasms would be desired. He also reminded me that I am also feeling a hormonal surge due to having that time of the month, so that’s contributing, and I cannot control what my body is needing.

After that conversation, I just laid there and felt so detached. I felt so drained. Yet, the thought came back to me. “Why do I grieve the way that I do?”

Dro decided to answer me with this. He said that it’s not that I don’t have the ability to grieve normally, it’s just that my brain is different. I process things so differently.

As a DID system and someone with C-PTSD, the brain is going to handle grief differently. It could be this way for many, but with the DID and C-PTSD, dissociation is very much a reality when it comes to things that are upsetting. Grief being one of those.

Dro asked me to think of the stages of grief. So I did. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, etc.
Dro then told me to look at how PTSD and trauma is handled and processed in the brain – the exact types of process that grief does. There’s anger and denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance… and just all of those aspects that you find with grieving are also processes that trauma/PTSD goes through.

Now his point was made. The reason that I suffer so much during grief, is because my brain handles it that way that it handles trauma. I dissociate the pain and the problem, so to speak, and branch that off into trauma boxes. So I will hold onto those until my brain and body process that grief in a non-objective way, to then heal and move forward. It can be something that people who have been through a lot of trauma will or can experience, that their brains will handle it as a trauma rather than an emotional pain.

That blew my mind. It explains why I do not handle grief at all well and why it will absolutely wreck my life until it’s sorted. Because I absolutely will shut down most days and completely block of all of the grief, forgetting it.

Dro did point out that because I have DID that I may take it to the extreme and actually forget/dissociate the grief into a trauma alter, where when I do remember or am reminded, I end up go through the trauma of it all over and over again.

So I’ve been sitting on this for a few days because it was SO explaining why I don’t function in grief and over death (of someone I know). Because my brain has been wired to treat upsetting things as trauma, therefore treating my grief like a trauma – which gets re-traumatized every time I dissociate those feelings.

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Fighting Fear and Trauma

There has been such a big flow of exploration through The Demon Temple Inner Sanctuary‘s Advanced Psychic Development Coaching sessions. The last month has focused on energy identification, and the bigger one that impacted me was working with imagination on astral creation. Now, it has been focused on imagination as a whole to help connect with companions, but I took it a bit further of it being with Astral Travel.

The start of it all has really hit me hard with having to tackle the trauma and the fear. I’ve been fighting and struggling with the fear and shame. I have such a deep-seated fear of the trauma occurring again that I ended up sitting with King Paimon. Who sat with me in my own Astral Home that he gifted me (the Oasis) that I reference here often.

He talked to me about the pain and the trauma that I have gone through was not an environmental problem. It wasn’t that I was in the Astral that was causing the issue. The fear of the Astral being associated with the pain that Others have caused. It’s trauma that others (real people) caused with the Astral being the place it occurred, not that the Astral was the cause of my trauma.

That was a revelation that I really have had to sit with. It’s taking a lot more than planned for me to really work with this, though it’s been pointed out this is years of compacted pain and shame.

The shame stems from the fact that I am ashamed that I let it get to me. I let things get to me so much that it’s been three years since I was actively working on the astral, with companions, etc.

But it feels better now. After sitting with this the last month and really having conversations with others that revolve around working with the astral. In fact, I feel that my excitement stems so much from the in depth conversations that I have had with a few others. I never realized that for me, some topics being done over and over and over again, gets incredibly boring. My brain just disengages. So to get into really nuanced questions around astral work, astral creation….. it’s opened my desire to work on the astral so much more.

Now, it’s just actually taking the leap. It’s going back into things and feeling that safe feeling once more. That’s my biggest thing, is that I’m afraid of judgment from my companions, and I am afraid of judgment from my partner. Which I guess is the next thing to tackle.

Beauty of outer space. Science fiction wallpaper. Elements of this image furnished by NASA

Trauma & Spiritual Practices

I’ve struggled for some time now. In fact, it’s been almost three years since I did any sort of spiritual work, as evidenced by the lack of content on the blog and the massive gaps. This is my greatest regret, and I’ve been struggling with it for so long. Eventually, it all came to a head over the past week or two. The first start is figuring out what exactly it has been that has been holding me back beyond that the idea of astral travel and working with my demons makes me panic.

I feel this deep set fear of stepping into the astral, of connecting with my demons, of just any sort of working with rituals or learning. It’s the reactive fear that would manifest as panic the moment that I would try. I would shut down. I would shy away and the anxiety and fear would get worse. There were only few instances where I was okay and that usually was because I was bilocating rather than actually traveling (meaning that I was still disconnected enough that it didn’t make me panic).

It wasn’t until the Inner Sanctuary started talking about more nuanced work with energies and we started really working with beginning astral creation in our astral spaces. I ended up talking in depth about where things are and just having this breakdown of how much I yearn for the astral and doing work there. How much it burns to return and to really do those things that I love most. Yet, I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong. What drove me to such fear and anxiousness.

Trauma.

It finally came out that I haven’t felt safe in the astral because I had so much trauma floating around involving two different groups, let alone the past trauma from long before that. All of this around things that have happened to my astral self because of other people. That’s where the core, the root, of where all this is stemming from. My experiences that I have had with three different “groups” in regards to astral travel or with my companions have decimated the idea of safety.

The first and oldest has stemmed from the fact that it was my ex, the old Tumblr community, and everything involving the old shop I used to run. It all comes down to so much trauma built up from things that my ex would do that would bring us astral trouble all the time. Or how the old Tumblr community circa 2012-2016 was absolutely garbage toxic. No one respected the shop’s boundaries; I was always attacked for “gatekeeping” the races that I worked with, and people were mad they had to get through me instead of just working with them. Just because they read about the races and wanted to do so, but they didn’t want to pay for me to conjure for them.

The second round was what really just off set so much trauma and pain and this is where the reaction stems from. I was in a small-ish group that was really close. Many of us would do astral traveling together and healing, etc. Well the months and months that I was with them, it was 24/7 emergencies. Something bad and BIG was always happening. Someone was always dealing with something or under attack. It was like this for months. I’d always have to go in and help astrally heal and it was just like being an Astral On Call Healer, but also On Call for everything astral emergency. And then when I started therapy… they hit me the hardest with so many lies that were fed to them by the most narcissistic person – who believed that only they knew the right way to do Shadow Work. I was kicked from the group and another friend had pulled me aside to really talk to me about how they were seeing signs of me being in a cult. They pulled me out, scared for how I was. And I did end up going to therapy to reverse the damage said group did. I had been stuck in a small forming cult, with the mentalities that came with it.

Then, a year later, after trusting two people like close friends… they decide that Im the worst person in the world. They make their accusations because they were misreading a conversation in chats. It led to me being an ableist – mind you, I’m the last person to be that, considering I have so many mental health disorders, AND I am also physically disabled. I do my best to accommodate and work with everyone. It ended up being really messy and the betrayal I felt ran deep. So, my trust in making friends or having them took years to repair.

It all compacted together and made this massive block that I am still trying to break open even after tackling these revelations. I know that my demons are also helping in their own ways. It especially helped me to be so excited about working on my astral stuff again. And Ry was working with me today picking out plants and repotting little seed sprouts into seeding containers. Between the Inner Sanctuary and the Nitro Companion Club, my love of the astral and working in spiritual things has been rekindled. I want to return. So the best way is for me to get this all out.

Trauma affects so much of the spiritual self that it’s so easy to be trapped by it. It’s so hard to let go. But I found that talking with a friend, who I used to astral travel with together… that reminding ourselves that astral traveling IS safe. It’s the people around us that have made it unsafe. We spent time reminiscing about the old shopping trips and bouncing around to different realms. We’d search for days and spend hours digging around ruins and old places, wandering jungles and marketplaces. Reminding me that the times that were the trauma wasn’t because I was unsafe in the astral but it was the people in the astral with me that made it unsafe. They were the catalyst for those things to become unsafe.

That healed a lot within. I’m nervous, but it’s slowly fading away from panic to excitement. I want to build my astral space up with new things. A Research Center and Laboratory.

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A Little Exploration [IC Challenge Day 5]

I’ve been working more and more on trying to reconnect with the astral in the way that I used to. Not so much with the technique or energies, but more on a conscious awareness. I know that this is something that Paya wanted to work with me on. Releasing the old energies of trauma and fear that have accumulated from previous years.

I have called myself an Astral Anthropologist for the longest time because I loved to explore cultures, new realms, new beings and races, and so much more. I would explore ruins and gather information on cultures and people long gone, yet their written word and material items were left behind. It was something that I did on the regular. I even went through and began conjuring the races that I would work in close contact with.

Life and things happen, especially when other people are inserted into the equation. Jealousy is a toxic and pervasive energy that hurts even if you never realize it until much later. That’s where I slowly just stopped. I started to have experiences with others that made me fearful of astral traveling because their own actions cause trauma. And of course then living in a space where I felt unsafe contributed.

My demons have worked the last two years or so to really try to get me into a place where that trauma is healed and energies purged, moved forward. It wasn’t until I started getting these bursts of wanting to do things again that I realized that I just felt unsafe in my environment and it was what stopped me.

Paya coming into my life was enough to get me to step back and really release those deep traumas and fears that other created, then my other demons helped me to realize I have my sacred space back. I CAN do these things again. So that was the goal with this March Connection Challenge. To begin stepping back into my practice.

I started today with talking to Akelta about my astral home, my Oasis. The gift from King Paimon about 4 or so years ago. My sacred space that I built up with my demons. We talked about Creation Realms, Transitional Realms, and Existing Realms… different types of places on the Astral. Where you create the astral spaces, where you can travel to, and the ones that exist and you can’t change. And explaining about my Oasis being an Existing Realm gifted from King Paimon that my demons and I have learned to create pockets of creation realms within it, linking portals to other places, etc.

Then it turned into conversations about exploring and creating, finding the beauty in the Astral. Talking about my Silver Sand Grotto, which is a healing pocket dimension within my own astral home realm that linked/brought to there from my Void/Necrosis King/Lord Tal. He connected it and brought the sand and healing waters, transporting it carefully. And how Ry, my Serpentine Surgeon who holds a Necrosis Shaman title that is the biggest nerd over plants from many realms. How he brought a willow-like tree that thrives off healing waters alone and is beautiful addition.

It all came to me realizing my love for the astral and exploring runs so deep. And Paya wanted me to relive that. He wanted to show me that beauty and wonder again, the excitement behind it.

On my break between things, I laid down in bed and knew that Paya wanted to explore and show me things. I was not ready for him to take me to this beautiful coral reef, where we met with a very familiar being. One of the Azkri that I used to conjure and work with. A race introduced to me by Lord Leviathan, a jellyfish mer race of Seers. Both Paya and the Azkri took their time to make sure that I could breathe under the water. I could have shapeshifted, but they wanted me to experience this again.

I was given a symbiotic plant that attached to the back of my neck and wrapped around the front of me to hang from my back. It read genetic material so that it can adapt to the breathing circulation requirements. Water to Oxygen and filters my exhale so that it can function (fuel). It was a cycle. It looked a bit like a plant octopus, if I am honest. And then, it was attached with a metal hookup, where tubes were fed into a glass mouth piece that carried my air in and out to the plant. It was my underwater breath. The Azkri harvest another type of plant that is hollow tubes with long fans. When cut, they are lid over the feet and up the legs, creating a way for those without fins to swim easily.

Once I spent the better part of 2 hrs (our equivalent is 20 minutes) staring and examining these (pictures of them to come)… Paya was absolutely amused. He thought that I would love the swimming, which I did. But the fact I spent almost the entire time memorizing the setup for breathing so I could draw it when I returned.

We swam around until he directed me to this creature that, again spent time examining so I could draw, that acted as underwater propellers. They were able to glide fast and help move through quickly. Eventually I laid on my back under the water to soak up the sun rays and warmth while surrounded by sea life and just existing.

He reminds me that this is what I can do and what I have no fear of anymore. The beauty is always there for me when I am ready… I just have to let go and swim forward.

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Time Spent Reading [IC Challenge Day 4]

I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I’ve had a raging migraine all day that has made it difficult to do much spiritually. While I wasn’t too aware while things were happening, Paya did express that he enjoyed seeing me visit my local library and socialize. Especially since I got to talk about books and also take care of my own books (I get them mylar/protective covers put on).

I wanted to do something with him and kept trying to go into a more meditative state so I could join him in my astral home, where we could chat better. Yet my migraine is just not letting up.

He nudged me to put my books back from the carrying bags and to look through what I have. He knows that a stress of mine is that I’m “late” with reviewing ARCs (Advanced Reader Copies) of books. Which isn’t pressing at all and not really something I should be stressed over considering it was free books and I’m not required to read them. But I do stress over it at times. He reminded me that reading is supposed to be fun. It’s not a chore or something to stress over. I should be happy and excited to read something because I want to.

Paya reminds that sometimes we stress over things and overthink things when we feel there is an imaginary pressure to it. We limit ourselves by thinking that there is a limit, a deadline, something that *has* to be done. When in reality, it really isn’t that pressing. Doing something that we love shouldn’t be a stressor and if it has become something that causes stress, take a step back and look at why. When you know the why.. then you can look at how to change that. What reason is there that is so important that you feel that it HAS to be done or be stressed over? Is that really something that needs to be stressed over? Is the world going to end? Is it something that will hurt someone by not being done? Is there going to be a punishment if there?

No. The answer is that there is nothing that is going to end the world if it is late, if it is going to be skipped over. Now this is in regards to a hobby or something that isn’t work or bills or life related. It’s something that is meant to be fun. Reading, Writing, Drawing, Exercise… Things that we find enjoyment in, yet sometimes our heads get really deep into stressing over the smallest of things.

It’s not worth the stress. There’s no urgent or world crashing important. So release that imaginary deadline, the need for perfection, the desire to get it done because it has to be. No it doesn’t. You do it at your pace, at your time. When you feel the love and joy from it. Don’t push yourself because it will only limit and hurt you. It’s okay to take breaks, change hobbies, finding something else to enjoy. It’s okay to not finish.

Now… I’m going to read a book that I don’t feel obligated to read, but because I just simply want to. Paya wants to read a book with me.

~Time Break ~

So he wanted to read a book that featured the oceans, the waters. I knew I had a few but just read the bigger ones. But I had a small one laying around I eventually wanted to read.

The Deep, by River Solomon, is a black story about the slave mothers thrown overboard. They became the Wanjiru, the Mer people. But they have a Historian that recollects their past, their ancestors and only once a year do they remember as a whole. Otherwise they live in naivety. But this story is about how it’s become a race of them remembering their origins and their identity.

It’s a short book, like 120 pages. But it’s very rich of history and identity. Much heavier in topic, but Paya wanted me to read it because of the story but also reading the BIPOC perspective and stories is super important too. I learn a lot when I read those and get perspective of things I never would have naturally experienced.

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Working With Paya [IC Challenge Day 2]

Today is day 2 and it’s taken Paya most of the day to convince me to really get involved with this. I’ve been sitting on whether or not to do this. Which I think I wrote in the day 1 post. But I’m sitting here with Paya and I feel inspired to do this. I worry about it being a demand and pressure to do this daily, so it’ll just be a one-day-at-a-time type dealio.

I’m not surprised to find that King Tal (Void/Necrosis Lord & King) has made an appearance. He’s been the biggest on journaling and on recording, getting back into things again. I think he just wants me to explore with him. One of the future months may end up being a “Explore the Astral with King Tal”… but I know he’s helping to keep the pressure off and making me inspired to write instead.

Paya is too sweet and is just here as an anxiety help. It’s one of the more amazing things is that he is an immediate anxiety reducing just by being nearby, let alone if I ask for help dealing with it. My anxiety is from my being in a constant survival state the past many years that it’s now become a physical issue rather than just mental/emotional. It helps. He helps so much more and I know my demons have really stepped up in aiding me this year with moving forward in my life.

So this is kinda just more of me getting back into the mindset that it’s safe. I’m safe now.

I feel like I have more to say than this… but I just don’t know what.