I’ve been trying to figure out what to write. Today was rough again with the concentration and focus. I just wanted to lay down, but I go got through with some amazing friends that sat in VC with me to body double. They were editing and doing their own writing while I was able to actually focus in on my task and get it done. I wanted to give up but didn’t. I’m super proud of myself for that.
But I’m tired. I got over to my hammock to sit in and maybe write… but I just am tired. Too mentally worn from trying to fight my own demand avoidance and fatigue. I also ended up cleaning a major thing today and grocery shopped and made dinner for my mother and I. Wow, seeing all that… I did phenomenal and it explains my tiredness.
Yet… I feel like I’m letting down my demons when I want to bond with them, learn from them. In fact, I was doing some things when I was thinking about writing these posts. Specifically about the Demonic Shamanism. It’s on my brain very often. I find myself always wanting to dive deep and explore, but mentally am also dealing with the weather shifts and fatigue.
So I’m doing some tasks when I think about what Ry had originally asked me: What is Shamanism? What makes it? Where does it stem from and why is it important. But then my brain stops and thinks, but where do I start? I have no idea where to begin or where to go, what to learn or the direction of learning.
Ry steps forward, “Why must you know the way forward? When you first learned of Earthen Shamanism, you didn’t have any idea of what it was or what made the foundations. You started from going to a random lecture/drum circle that was at a Light Convention. So what makes this different?”
Of course I”m mid task and think, OH NO! I won’t remember this and I need to write down what he’s saying and also the process of me talking it out with him.
His response was to laugh and tell me that he would have it no other way, because he knew how important it is for me to log down what I experience and hear, what I learn. So now… I can keep the conversation with him.
He sits next to me and watches as I write and think about what he said. And all I can think of is that this feels so important and I don’t want to mess it up. But I also don’t want to wander around within learning without forming some sort of foundation.
He thinks for a moment, “Why do you need to set out the future of learning. What about simply listening? Isn’t that what you learned to do in the first place? Isn’t that the lesson that was the first thing you learned when you got the Sickness – because you weren’t listening? Instead of trying to forge your way, why don’t you just listen to us? Listen to what I have to teach and what you can learn from Grandmama Tsülie. Why don’t we guide you, instead of you guiding through preconceived ideas of where to start?”
He kisses the top of my head and runs his hand through my hair. I guess he’s leaving me with that wisdom and telling me it’s time to rest. I’ve already been sleeping really badly lately.
