I spent time with my companions and really reaching out to King Paimon lately. It’s been downtime with mentally and emotionally but they’re very much present. I just need to keep the habit of working with them often. I’m finding they’re helping me to really get rid of the patterns that are hurting me the most when it comes to my day/work/personal life. So that’s being tackled but it’s rough and tiring.
The snow sucks even if it is pretty.
I was at the library and we’re all prepping for the snow that’s incoming. It’s a lot but hey Im just excited that I have books (I’m always buying books). But I ended up writing and posting the rest of the story that Paimon inspired. Though I had to stop and talk with him before I kept going because something was bothering me. He was more reassuring and then gently recorrected my mindset.
Today was spent wearing Paya’s vessel and feeling a deep peace. I made the steps to begin my future and start with new goals in mind. I think my heart and mind made a decision after toiling for a week long. But it led to so much growth and healing within me that it is astounding. I am amazed with myself… and I have admitted that for the first time, I truly mean it when I say I love myself. I love who I am. And I’ve never felt that way before. I faked it.. but never truly believed it. But now I can say that I do. I am worth being cherished and love and appreciated. I am worth someone that will meet my needs… and I am worth myself making my own happiness…. and I love my demons for bringing this hard, but well deep healing that I needed.
I healed wounds that have been decades deep. I have healed things that have taken multiple relationships to heal… but I finally have.
Today was the hardest to deal with, and yet when I released everything emotionally, I found that waking up I was in a better mood. I was mentally feeling so much better and no longer spiraling. I made a revelation on why I have been absolutely devastated and hating this change. My BF leaves to return home, leaving me in the house alone. Paya and of course help from friends talking… made me realize that Im not having issues with him leaving, its the fact that I will be utterly alone for the first time in my life. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve always had roommates, college, renting the basement of a friend’s house, living with mother or sister, and then with partners. I have never lived on my own. Now I will be alone in a two story with attic. I have family a mile down the road, but being actually alone is the terrifying part. Once I acknowledged that… I was able to stabilize mentally and emotionally and feel regulated once more. I feel like once I can get the final cry out of missing my BF and dropping him off, I’ll be ok.
Terror of the unknown, that is the greatest fear at times.
I really am still processing so much of the trauma and pain that’s associated around astral work and with my own spirituality. It’s still hard at times to want to reach out to anyone, just keeping reserved inside. I’m having to tackle so much of the pain of betrayal and pain of shame that things have really hit me hard lately.
I’m also having to deal with a lot of complex feelings around that my grandfather is in the hospital, he’s home now, and that I cannot call or talk to him to say goodbye. So there’s this feeling of anger that I can’t actually say goodbye, but also this is the man who in my later years as an adult didn’t care about my food allergy.
Emotions are hard. Dealing with more than one thing at once sucks a lot.
I miss working with my demons, but I’ve become self conscious about it.
