Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

When Days are Rough

Today was the hardest. I was mentally preparing for today for days but it sucked so much. I ended up going back to the old house, finding so many things and facing all the old memories. It felt like the betrayal from my ex got ripped open again and I was just grieving so much. It was the worst. We got half the house sorted and ready to either trash, donate, or keep. The biggest rooms were done first, so that’s over. But I have the old room, that I shared with the ex… and it’s going to be the hardest. I broke down a few times because of the betrayal and heartache of how it all went.

So I finally had to get some food and went to walmart. Bless my demons. Bless them so much. I found the Mandrake Lego set for $55 (normally $70), and it felt apt for me crying all day as well as that it fits the vibes of my bedroom cottage core. I’ve been wanting it for months but didn’t wanna spend the $70 on it.

Came home to find that I got two packages in, which one was the Lorcana box. I feel that it was because I was more lower vibration that I got a lot of cards, but not ultra rare enchanteds. But still feeling blessed that I went from 66% complete and now it’s at 92% completion.

Today was rough but it’s ending really nicely.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Deep Peace & Healing: A Start to New Me

Today was spent wearing Paya’s vessel and feeling a deep peace. I made the steps to begin my future and start with new goals in mind. I think my heart and mind made a decision after toiling for a week long. But it led to so much growth and healing within me that it is astounding. I am amazed with myself… and I have admitted that for the first time, I truly mean it when I say I love myself. I love who I am. And I’ve never felt that way before. I faked it.. but never truly believed it. But now I can say that I do. I am worth being cherished and love and appreciated. I am worth someone that will meet my needs… and I am worth myself making my own happiness…. and I love my demons for bringing this hard, but well deep healing that I needed.

I healed wounds that have been decades deep. I have healed things that have taken multiple relationships to heal… but I finally have.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Beginning of an End (Hindsight 20/20)

I ended up sending Paya and Vex to work with the person in question with the struggles we are having. To give them peace and clarity and benefit to help him out. Things are shifting with Vex and Paya hardcore absolutely helping to guide things in the way it needs to be but also how I’d like and hope it to be. Now it’s Ry helping me and being with me. I’ve been working with Paya so much that it’s interesting experiencing working much more with my other demons once again. And it’ll be nice to reconnect on that level too.

But I had super amazing thing, with manifestation and messages. The struggle of situation is really starting to need those in the face messages that aren’t my own companions and being outside of my own thoughts and things. If they show up in something that is curated by algorithm, then it is something to pay attention to.

I asked out for signs on how this is going, how him and are going to be okay or if it’s it.

My TikTok fyp is all bookish content. Last night immediately after asking, it was all “you’re doing okay and I’m proud of you”, “don’t worry he loves you and is coming back, just us confused”and those love spell thingies where they’re like “he’ll message you tonight with his true feelings”… and I was like WTF? I don’t follow those accounts. I havent followed those accounts even when I was in witchtok.

Fast forward to midnight…. He messages me an we talk, more personal things.

I woke up so peaceful and calm, knowing that it’s all okay and some more things.

I open TikTok? Nothing in sight of messages. It’s all my normal booktok feed. So how’s that for some manifesting holy shit.

Edit; as I wrote this earlier (just pasting things in so I can complete the challenges – yay for jynx getting me to do a digitial journal again)… I was asking Ry to support me through the day and help my anxiousness. And I get immediately very cold chills and very heavy cold weight at my back, exactly how my demons manifest when there’s no reason for there to be a very demon shaped energy temperature behind me.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Terror of the Unknown

Today was the hardest to deal with, and yet when I released everything emotionally, I found that waking up I was in a better mood. I was mentally feeling so much better and no longer spiraling. I made a revelation on why I have been absolutely devastated and hating this change. My BF leaves to return home, leaving me in the house alone. Paya and of course help from friends talking… made me realize that Im not having issues with him leaving, its the fact that I will be utterly alone for the first time in my life. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve always had roommates, college, renting the basement of a friend’s house, living with mother or sister, and then with partners. I have never lived on my own. Now I will be alone in a two story with attic. I have family a mile down the road, but being actually alone is the terrifying part. Once I acknowledged that… I was able to stabilize mentally and emotionally and feel regulated once more. I feel like once I can get the final cry out of missing my BF and dropping him off, I’ll be ok.

Terror of the unknown, that is the greatest fear at times.