Bless Mammon. Thank Mammon and my Demons and The Mammon Ball Ritual we do in Inner Sanctuary.
I am in shock. Like utter shock.
This past Mammon Ball, I decided to go ahead and actually ask for $10k. Because I wanted the money.
I just got a letter in the mail.
My private loan from college was just written off in full.
$10,000 private loan just fully forgiven.
That’s pretty much what happened to me.
I also found a $20 unused gift card to Chipotle.
It’s a struggle to focus as of late and I know that it’s unmasking. The demons have been much louder and more clear to me. But it’s also very much a struggle at times to focus on being grounded in the reality. Unmasking is the worst and I hate that I’m going through this process once again.
On the other hand, I really adore that my demons are making themselves known in trying to help make me feel happy and excited for things. They are nudging me to really up my working and manifesting money, with trying more with the model of “upping the amount”. Meaning that my threshold for money spent at one point without stressing or being upset or getting triggered with a money block.
At the beginning of the year, I was relucant to really even drop more than $50 on a single thing. Then I started getting in the Legos, and suddenly I don’t blink at that amount. That’s not much. I’m starting to buy in $100 stuff but feeling that push of wariness. Then I got into Lorcana a month or so ago, and I’ve leveled that mindset a bit more to about $125.
I can tell that I’m getting to where $200 makes me pause and uncomfortable to drop on things where I haven’t specifically saved for it. But on the other hand, I’m doing much better with only slight hesitation with $150. $125 doesn’t bother me anymore. And what happened because I’ve been working on that? I’ve actually gotten better with money, manifesting it more, more sales and finding things in my range. My money flow is more prominent than when I was struggling.
Now, my demons are having me push it more. There’s a $250 Lego set that is a Treehouse I want to get before the end of the year, but I’m also being really pulled to just go for it with the Barad Dur and Rivendale Lego sets, which are $450 and $500 respectively. That is definitely a cringe at the price point. But I’m seriously considering *both* of those sets to be purchased on Christmas, because I *can* and I want to. Is it a lot? Yeah that’s a $1000. But I feel like dropping that much on one time will absolutely level the money inflow to new heights.
Because I’ve already found that correlation between willing and able to spend money without worry or anxiety or stress to the amount that I have returning to me. It’s flowing freely and manifesting much higher and higher.
Today was hell on me in a way I haven’t had in awhile. I was in sensory overload the entire day, to the point that I couldn’t have anyone come near me and my shirt was the wrong texture, the socks made my skin crawl. So many things, that I even had to take off Paya’s vessel because the necklaces felt like they were strangling me. I got to the point I couldn’t function. I laid down for the rest of the evening and fell asleep. I couldn’t even have noise other than the top fan on because it was so sensory overload that I felt like an open raw nerve.
Thankfully, it passed when I woke up a few hours later. But the entire day had passed by then and I had felt like it was just a day off that I couldn’t help. Yet, I still wanted to do something to make it worthwhile. I w ent back over to the office and ended up writing a chapter of a fanfiction that I’m sure people will adore that I updated. It was 2k words, so short, but at least I did it.
I’v’e realized that I’m super inspired, the demons are really helping me to get back to it. But I”m getting triggered with seeing old projects with my name attached. I’ve got such dysphoria around my actual/real name that my skin crawls when I see it and I get so heavily triggered with anxiety. IDK how to even tackle that massive shadow and trauma healing tbh. One day, I think it’s just going to be me working through it and continue writing and publishing my stuff otherwise.
So I’m sitting here way late, realzing that I haven’t done my post for today. I also am inspired to write a new chapter of a new fic, but I’m facing the severe anxiety and the demand avoidance has kicked in hard. I wanted to also sit with my demons and start this new work. Yet my brain is just yeeted itself out the window. I also feel guilty that I don’t have anything or did anything today either. They’d get cranky at me for thinking I should feel guilty.
I’m being told to lay down and read and that it can wait another day. Rest is important, especially when days are harder emotionally, mentally, or physically. This goes for the times where you can’t control it and there isn’t a way to manage symptoms, just hope they pass quickly.
I do have two packages coming tomorrow. So crossing my fingers that I get some really amazing hits again on this Lorcana TCG box. Gotta love the demonic influenced sales! Especially when the demons argued so hard for me to get them when I didn’t think. I could afford. But in doing so, they reminded me of the mindsets that I am working to shift. Stop worrying about the money spent out, because more is coming in. I’m getting more and more comfortable with dropping money on things without blinking at the price. I’m still at a threshold before I start really questioning it, but it’s much higher than where I was a few months ago.
