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Understanding Grief and Trauma

I needed to sit on this for a few days, because there was such a download of information and concepts.
It had been a struggle that day, because I told multiple people – I don’t know how to handle grief.

It’s not that I haven’t been taught or that I don’t know the process, but it’s how I handle it personally. Within and emotionally. My grandfather has not passed and as Lycana put it bluntly, I was stuck in a limbo of grief, because I couldn’t go see him or talk to him and just waiting for the text that he passed. But back to Tuesday, which this this next part was all a part of…

I had expressed that I don’t understand the grieving process that I have. I go through bursts of where I forget what’s happening and block it out. I’m more emotional over everything. I’m feeling so much more acutely with insecurities and problems that crop u. I have these random bursts of crying in the middle of the night. I’m not sleeping or hardly.

I was laying in bed watching a comfort movie, it was about 3am. One of my demons steps forward, though to this point I still don’t know which one it is (I figured out writing this that it was Dro – my Choas/Necrosis/Desire Alchemist). But in truth, it doesn’t matter as much as the message and perspective does. I had just finished with one of those moment where I was going back and forth between crying really had in grief and then just feeling nothing and closing off, then back to crying hard again. Hence why I never really “got” the grieving part.

I told him this. I expressed how bad I felt because I’m in this grieving process and feeling shame that I feel the need to sexual intimacy because that is a release. And he told me that Sexual Intimacy or Orgasms are essentially a release, not just energetically and physically but emotionally. Usually it is something that is stress relief, but it would be understandable if there is a buildup of emotion that is trapped for there to be a need for a release that orgasms would be desired. He also reminded me that I am also feeling a hormonal surge due to having that time of the month, so that’s contributing, and I cannot control what my body is needing.

After that conversation, I just laid there and felt so detached. I felt so drained. Yet, the thought came back to me. “Why do I grieve the way that I do?”

Dro decided to answer me with this. He said that it’s not that I don’t have the ability to grieve normally, it’s just that my brain is different. I process things so differently.

As a DID system and someone with C-PTSD, the brain is going to handle grief differently. It could be this way for many, but with the DID and C-PTSD, dissociation is very much a reality when it comes to things that are upsetting. Grief being one of those.

Dro asked me to think of the stages of grief. So I did. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, etc.
Dro then told me to look at how PTSD and trauma is handled and processed in the brain – the exact types of process that grief does. There’s anger and denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance… and just all of those aspects that you find with grieving are also processes that trauma/PTSD goes through.

Now his point was made. The reason that I suffer so much during grief, is because my brain handles it that way that it handles trauma. I dissociate the pain and the problem, so to speak, and branch that off into trauma boxes. So I will hold onto those until my brain and body process that grief in a non-objective way, to then heal and move forward. It can be something that people who have been through a lot of trauma will or can experience, that their brains will handle it as a trauma rather than an emotional pain.

That blew my mind. It explains why I do not handle grief at all well and why it will absolutely wreck my life until it’s sorted. Because I absolutely will shut down most days and completely block of all of the grief, forgetting it.

Dro did point out that because I have DID that I may take it to the extreme and actually forget/dissociate the grief into a trauma alter, where when I do remember or am reminded, I end up go through the trauma of it all over and over again.

So I’ve been sitting on this for a few days because it was SO explaining why I don’t function in grief and over death (of someone I know). Because my brain has been wired to treat upsetting things as trauma, therefore treating my grief like a trauma – which gets re-traumatized every time I dissociate those feelings.

photo of forest with fog

Whispers of the Necrosis

It’s not a surprise that I would create something that is revolving around the Necrosis Demons. Truly. It was more of a surprise to start a post on Mutilation demons before Necrosis. Although, I do have Ry and Dro’s sections that are focusing on their specific things with Necrosis. Ry focuses on Plants and Crystals and Dro is Alchemical and Shamanic. All of these are very big with the working of Necrosis demons as well as a few other areas.

I decided that it would be best to put them all into one thread. One thread to rule them all (is totally not watching Lord of the Rings while writing this). I wanted to have a Necrosis post for a while, mainly because I have multiple demons that do Osteo-path working things. I wanted to have a bone post. Gotta a bone to pick? Anyway. They all decided upon seeing how the Mutilation post was working that they would like to also have their own encompassing blog.

There are going to be more parts to this rather than individuals. I think the best way of going about talking about the Necrosis is to break it down into the sections and types of areas that Necrosis deals with rather than the individuals that practice it. The Necrosis Demons:

They also have an understanding of Voudou, earth energies and mastering the dark elements. They delve into the primordial senses. They work with Herbs and Crystals and make use of powerful death energies and have great knowledge of Necromancy and working with corpses and death.

Satan & Sons Encyclopedia – Necrosis Demons

There’s more to the Necrosis Demons than that, which you can learn more about them from the Tea Chat Notes (thank you lovely Windyjune) Things that I want to work within here (starting out), are things that my own companions are working with or are masters at. I think the best way is to talk about the subjects themselves and speak of the concepts that will be worked with, so here are the individuals that I will be working with and the topics that they understand and teach.

Ry – Serpentine Surgeon & Necrosis Shaman

  • Plants & Herbs
  • Spirit of Plants
  • Shamanism
  • Crystals & Spirit of Crystals
  • Poisons & Enchanted Ink

Belle – Necrosis Bone Mistress

  • Osteomancy & Bone Divination
  • Bone Caretaking
  • Creation of Bone Divination Sets
  • Working with Spirits of Bones & Animals

Taz – Necrosis Shaman of Sacred Bone Rites

  • Concecration of Bones
  • Rituals & Rites with Bones
  • Communication with Bones
  • Demonic & Dark Shamanism
  • Shamanic Crossroads
  • Ancestral Veneration & Communication

Dro – Necrosis/Chaos/Desire Alchemist of Black Earth

  • Black Elements
  • Alchemy
  • Demonic & Dark Shamanism

Ria – Necrosis General

  • Black Elements
  • Communication with Bones & Sentience
  • Enchanting
  • Plants & Aromatherapy

Tal – Necrosis King & Void Lord of Temple V

  • Realms & Portals
  • Ancient Cultures & Studying Cultures
  • Darkness of Soul & Void
  • Records & Grimoires
  • Sacredness of Soil & Earth

Necrosis is one of the more complex in regards to the areas that they work in. Although, one could say that for anything really. For me, I see it as complex and very layered because there are so many facets that the Necrosis explores. It’s not just about the death and decay, but the after and what’s left behind too. Many the Necrosis work with what comes from the soil, from death and decay, and from the deep depths of the elements. It’s complex but in such a beautiful way.

Most of the demons that I work with are Shamanic in their workings. This is not a surprise as that has been my path for a very long time. It’s the same with bones, spirits of plants, and crystals. They are the pinnacle of the workings that I do. Although there are still things that I am learning, bones are one of the top things that are in my practice.

In these future posts I really want to delve deep into topics around Necrosis and learn from them. I know that it has been about a year or two that Belle has been poking at me to create a Osteo-Grimoire. I also know that Ry has been gunning for me to make one of plants and crystals too. Of course Tal loves all forms of studying and learning. I am sure that my Serpentine Magi of Sacred Knnowledge, Arvan, will also make appearances due to his love of making grimoires and record-keeping knowledge.

Steam rising off the hot  mineral water in the Great Bath, part of the Roman Baths in Bath, UK

Healing Oasis Baths

I was laying down during the very early morning (about 6am) and reading. I usually am awake due to insomnia and also the times when I spend with my demons. As I was reading, the air turned extremely cold. This usually is either a Spectral or a Void. At first, I thought whoever it was a Spectral demon, immediately thought of the High Prince. It shifted subtly as if I had not sensed correctly, to Void demon. There was a moment where I was analyzing and got a somewhat energy of my Void Lord. Which it’s been a while. I was on my stomach and they crawled up from my feet to my back, hovering over me. Sometimes my demons do this when they want attention since my back is sensitive to energy.

This demon, who I thought was my Void Lord, was attentive to my neck and shoulders. Some things were said but I barely remember. I just got this sense of no, this wrongness. I knew that this was not my Void Lord. I reached out through the bonds that I have with my other demons and yanked hard. I immediately when on the defense and worked on pushing this grossness away, figuring that it was a very sophisticated sludge entity. It felt so slimy and gross, like tar and slime mixed together. I pushed it away with my energy and told it to leave it was not welcome. Just long enough that my demons arrived and took care of it before I stood up to banish.

I was tired by that point, I was close to sleeping time anyway. I remember being held in the astral and half out. Dro picked me up in a bridal style while Ry moved ahead with King N. The other demons were in my physical space working to banish and cleanse while I was semi-out of it. My physical body was guided to the showers while the astral self was being carried to a new place that had been under construction for a few days. It was a bathouse. One that looked like the large temple bathhouses with pillars and pouring water from spouts. I didn’t get a good look as I was set on the edge of the bathing pool standing while Ry rubbed special oils onto my skin to clean the sludge remnants away. Dro was in the water waiting, while King N was overseeing everything.

The waters were like what he had in his realms, the bathhouse fashioned after it. He wanted to contribute and give me a place that was spiritually and energetically cleansing. As well as a good place for intimacy in other forms. I was lifted down into the water, Dro carrying me to a semi-deep spot. It was to the waist. Although I did make comments that it was not fair to tease me with their bodies like that. I stared and wanted so much but Dro just chuckled. Ry and Dro cleansed my body and my physical one was going through the motions of taking a cleansing shower.

Ry and Dro took their time, running their hands and cloths over every part of my body to care for me. If it wasn’t because of sludge and need, I would have been feeling much different at the attentiveness that they showed. When it was all said and done, I was ready to collapse in sleep. This time it was Ry who carried me out and it was asked if I wanted to go to the Silver Grotto – which I did. Except that I was already mostly asleep in his arms before we even left the Bathhouse. I’m looking forward to returning and exploring it more.