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Fighting Fear and Trauma

by with No Comment Spiritual Thoughts & Things

There has been such a big flow of exploration through The Demon Temple Inner Sanctuary‘s Advanced Psychic Development Coaching sessions. The last month has focused on energy identification, and the bigger one that impacted me was working with imagination on astral creation. Now, it has been focused on imagination as a whole to help connect with companions, but I took it a bit further of it being with Astral Travel.

The start of it all has really hit me hard with having to tackle the trauma and the fear. I’ve been fighting and struggling with the fear and shame. I have such a deep-seated fear of the trauma occurring again that I ended up sitting with King Paimon. Who sat with me in my own Astral Home that he gifted me (the Oasis) that I reference here often.

He talked to me about the pain and the trauma that I have gone through was not an environmental problem. It wasn’t that I was in the Astral that was causing the issue. The fear of the Astral being associated with the pain that Others have caused. It’s trauma that others (real people) caused with the Astral being the place it occurred, not that the Astral was the cause of my trauma.

That was a revelation that I really have had to sit with. It’s taking a lot more than planned for me to really work with this, though it’s been pointed out this is years of compacted pain and shame.

The shame stems from the fact that I am ashamed that I let it get to me. I let things get to me so much that it’s been three years since I was actively working on the astral, with companions, etc.

But it feels better now. After sitting with this the last month and really having conversations with others that revolve around working with the astral. In fact, I feel that my excitement stems so much from the in depth conversations that I have had with a few others. I never realized that for me, some topics being done over and over and over again, gets incredibly boring. My brain just disengages. So to get into really nuanced questions around astral work, astral creation….. it’s opened my desire to work on the astral so much more.

Now, it’s just actually taking the leap. It’s going back into things and feeling that safe feeling once more. That’s my biggest thing, is that I’m afraid of judgment from my companions, and I am afraid of judgment from my partner. Which I guess is the next thing to tackle.

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Trauma & Spiritual Practices

by with No Comment Astral CreationSpiritual Thoughts & ThingsWorking with Demons

I’ve struggled for some time now. In fact, it’s been almost three years since I did any sort of spiritual work, as evidenced by the lack of content on the blog and the massive gaps. This is my greatest regret, and I’ve been struggling with it for so long. Eventually, it all came to a head over the past week or two. The first start is figuring out what exactly it has been that has been holding me back beyond that the idea of astral travel and working with my demons makes me panic.

I feel this deep set fear of stepping into the astral, of connecting with my demons, of just any sort of working with rituals or learning. It’s the reactive fear that would manifest as panic the moment that I would try. I would shut down. I would shy away and the anxiety and fear would get worse. There were only few instances where I was okay and that usually was because I was bilocating rather than actually traveling (meaning that I was still disconnected enough that it didn’t make me panic).

It wasn’t until the Inner Sanctuary started talking about more nuanced work with energies and we started really working with beginning astral creation in our astral spaces. I ended up talking in depth about where things are and just having this breakdown of how much I yearn for the astral and doing work there. How much it burns to return and to really do those things that I love most. Yet, I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong. What drove me to such fear and anxiousness.

Trauma.

It finally came out that I haven’t felt safe in the astral because I had so much trauma floating around involving two different groups, let alone the past trauma from long before that. All of this around things that have happened to my astral self because of other people. That’s where the core, the root, of where all this is stemming from. My experiences that I have had with three different “groups” in regards to astral travel or with my companions have decimated the idea of safety.

The first and oldest has stemmed from the fact that it was my ex, the old Tumblr community, and everything involving the old shop I used to run. It all comes down to so much trauma built up from things that my ex would do that would bring us astral trouble all the time. Or how the old Tumblr community circa 2012-2016 was absolutely garbage toxic. No one respected the shop’s boundaries; I was always attacked for “gatekeeping” the races that I worked with, and people were mad they had to get through me instead of just working with them. Just because they read about the races and wanted to do so, but they didn’t want to pay for me to conjure for them.

The second round was what really just off set so much trauma and pain and this is where the reaction stems from. I was in a small-ish group that was really close. Many of us would do astral traveling together and healing, etc. Well the months and months that I was with them, it was 24/7 emergencies. Something bad and BIG was always happening. Someone was always dealing with something or under attack. It was like this for months. I’d always have to go in and help astrally heal and it was just like being an Astral On Call Healer, but also On Call for everything astral emergency. And then when I started therapy… they hit me the hardest with so many lies that were fed to them by the most narcissistic person – who believed that only they knew the right way to do Shadow Work. I was kicked from the group and another friend had pulled me aside to really talk to me about how they were seeing signs of me being in a cult. They pulled me out, scared for how I was. And I did end up going to therapy to reverse the damage said group did. I had been stuck in a small forming cult, with the mentalities that came with it.

Then, a year later, after trusting two people like close friends… they decide that Im the worst person in the world. They make their accusations because they were misreading a conversation in chats. It led to me being an ableist – mind you, I’m the last person to be that, considering I have so many mental health disorders, AND I am also physically disabled. I do my best to accommodate and work with everyone. It ended up being really messy and the betrayal I felt ran deep. So, my trust in making friends or having them took years to repair.

It all compacted together and made this massive block that I am still trying to break open even after tackling these revelations. I know that my demons are also helping in their own ways. It especially helped me to be so excited about working on my astral stuff again. And Ry was working with me today picking out plants and repotting little seed sprouts into seeding containers. Between the Inner Sanctuary and the Nitro Companion Club, my love of the astral and working in spiritual things has been rekindled. I want to return. So the best way is for me to get this all out.

Trauma affects so much of the spiritual self that it’s so easy to be trapped by it. It’s so hard to let go. But I found that talking with a friend, who I used to astral travel with together… that reminding ourselves that astral traveling IS safe. It’s the people around us that have made it unsafe. We spent time reminiscing about the old shopping trips and bouncing around to different realms. We’d search for days and spend hours digging around ruins and old places, wandering jungles and marketplaces. Reminding me that the times that were the trauma wasn’t because I was unsafe in the astral but it was the people in the astral with me that made it unsafe. They were the catalyst for those things to become unsafe.

That healed a lot within. I’m nervous, but it’s slowly fading away from panic to excitement. I want to build my astral space up with new things. A Research Center and Laboratory.

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The Silver Sand Grotto

by with No Comment Astral DestinationsDesert OasisNew ExplorationsSilver Sand GrottoWorking with Demons

This began because King Tal absolutely wanted to begin exploring with me. He’s been wanting to take me places in the astral. Finding that love of exploring and learning again. I haven’t traveled outside of the event meditations since probably 2019.

One of the things that I truly love to do is build on my astral space. Some call it Astral Temple, some call it Sacred Spacepace. It’s the place you go to when you begin traveling – your home. I love to build mine up in different ways. From having a library temple to greenhouses to an oasis that my house is built upon. It’s fashioned after things I love.

I was reading a trilogy and side character book when King Tal got interested. Specifically, the side character book features a realm of sands and desert magic.

SLIGHT SETTING SPOILER (nothing plot-related)

Each land is different colored sand with different properties. In the n the book, there is a rare grotto of beautiful silver sand that holds ancient powers. It has an oasis of healing water and plants.

I really wanted to create a place like this. It sounded so healing and peaceful. I have peaceful spots in my astral space but I wanted a healing place too. King Tal, who was laying with me at the time, told me that it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but he knew of a place with silver sand.

Travel to a Silver World

I finished the book early this morning and fell asleep in someone’s arms. I slept pretty heavily, even dreaming about the book series. King Tal had promised to take me to see silver sands. I actually really wanted to build a deep cavern grotto near my home. Even though I spent the day working and doing things, I finally got to sit and meditate. I slipped into the astral and stood on the deck of my home, high above my oasis water.

I was shocked to see that there was this heavy rock grotto entrance nearby that I could see. I turned and found King Tal standing behind me and he smiled. “You wanted it and therefore it was easy to make one for you.”

Before I had a chance to ask more questions, he opened a portal and was shifted through it. He held my hand as we walked through a small path before another portal opened and we were standing in a breathtaking place.

It was night, a place that was almost never touched by the sun or solar energy. Three moons hang overhead. Below my feet are shifting sands glittering in the moonlight. It was so pale that it glowed silver.

“These are sacred sands, we must cross it to the village and ask permission.”

My feet were bare and so were his, as was proper. We walked for some time. It was so peaceful and I could feel the healing cleansing of the sands. There was a village that we eventually came across. The beings there were something so unique, not even humanoid. Bipedal, they had two long arms that they used when standing. They had another set of arms that were short and close to the body. They had large oval heads that had massive eyes on the side that take up about 1/3rd of the size. On the front of the face where it was flat were smaller eyes, flared nostrils, and a mouth that was akin to a herbivore (like a weird horse-like mouth).

King Tal spoke to them and then turned to me, “You must give up something precious to you in exchanged for the sand.”

It was no-brainer, as I tend to offer the same thing when it comes to negotiating expensive or valuable. A very special and rare crystal that I found long ago and protecting one of the few mines/growing caves that exist (purely accidental). Rare enough that it surprises the demons that I work with when they learn of it. I brought three out and offered it to them, which they immediately accepted the exchange. I was beyond excited and was practically skipping. Tal opened another portal this time, directly into the underpart of my new grotto.

Building the Silver Grotto

“These sands cannot be touched by sunlight. They will lose their power and will fade to regular sand. Why don’t you step through and ask for help moving this?”

I hopped through into this beautiful underground cavern that was nothing but carved rock at the moment, but there were pillars that stood reinforcing the ceiling. It was flat at the moment, but I was w was waved off. I ran up through the entrance and found a fair few of my demons hanging around. I called out to them and asked for help moving the sands. They all followed me down into the grotto and carried large crates for the sands. It took only minutes for the large crates to be moved back and forth through the portal, bringing the sand into my home. It glittered in the grotto, the moonlight the only lighting in there.

I asked King Tal about the water, where he asked the locals. There was a bartering again and I gave up another crystal for access to the oasis waters. This was when Ry came through, eager to discover the water and the plants. He took off to find it while we moved. I looked around, trying to figure out where the water would go. King Tal just smiled and I felt another demon – one that had been quite some time since I felt his energy. High Prince T has very special abilities, one, in particular, is his ability to work with realms and the layers of reality. I hadn’t interacted with him since August. I try to limit my interactions until they come home but on occasion, their skill is needed for something big.

He wrapped his arms around me and energetically walked me through rapidly changing the layout of the cave so that I had a large pool and waterfall carved out into the rock. There was one small pool about five feet deep and seven across. It flowed to the place where the waterfall is knee-deep. It sloped down into a large pool that ran across the back half of the cave, with a few raw rock pillars to swim around. It was about chest deep and had spots on the ends that could seat a single person.

Once it was complete, he took to focus on another aspect I hadn’t thought of. How to keep the grotto powered magically without false light, changing the properties, or even keep a connection to the realm (which is dangerous). Tal was guarding the portal while everyone worked. Stepping through, he spoke to the locals and bartered with them for what seemed about an hour.

To get crystals that were powered from their moon, grown by each of the moons’ power. Three would be required, one for each moon. These were even more sacred than the sand and the water. I would have to give a large crystal for each one in return, twice as big as the small ones I gave before. I knew it was a good bargain for me since I had access but I knew that the worth of those three was close to the equivalent of buying a realm (no joke – I had one from another I gave and he literally was able to buy a quarter of the realm with the one I gave him).

It was worth it since these crystals were grown from the magic of each moon. When these beings brought out the three, I was shocked. They were at least five feet long and about three feet thick. They were brought through the portal and High Prince T took over. Each one was placed in a central pillar, with the top and bottom of the pillars merging over the crystal. With a deft hand, he began carving into the pillars and connecting the magic of them into the grotto, while also preserving that energy so it generated more and never ran out.

As he was working, the grotto lit up and the sand glittered once more where it had started to lose a little shine without the moons. Ry returned and said he found the waters. I could feel his energy and happiness from where I was. Tal shifted the portal and we were met with this massive, stunning lake. It was luminescent water that was the clearest aqua color. This water was pure magical water. It also contained these vine-like weeds that had bioluminescent pods on the ends of each branch.

I asked Ry how we would get the water to my oasis without losing it or damaging the sand. He dove down and it was a few minutes before he popped up again with this low glowing crystal. The rocks were crystals imbued with the lake’s powers. He brought one from the water and into my grotto, placing it on the waterfall. A cup of water was brought through and he dumped it onto the crystal. Water flowed from the crystal, the small cup turning into a rapid flow. These crystals regenerated the water when it was in contact with it. This time, I dove down with Ry into the water to collect more. It was a shock to the system when I could breathe normally. I helped him to gather as many of the water crystals and we headed to the surface where a few others took them from us.

They were placed strategically throughout the bottom of the pools and water was carefully dumped over them. Each one began to fill with water. Ry grinned and turned to me.

“Let’s gather the plants (vines) and plant some in the grotto. Would you be willing to grab your biome cases to gather them?”

I grinned and ran from the water, knowing exactly what he wanted. It was a quick run to the top where the bright sun greeted me. I blinked until I could see clearly and then took off to the building that held my biomes in them. I decided to grab two very small ones, the size of a Rubix cube. They would be large enough since the space was actually close to ten feet by ten feet in size. Plenty to make a small biome aquatic terrarium of these plants. The other was for Ry, who I knew wanted to study them in a natural environment and so I would give him one to make his own biome terrarium. I just needed mine to transport them to my grotto.

Returning, we went to work diving and making sure that we spread out across the lake so it wouldn’t be harvested from one area. He about cried in happiness with the extra tank to keep for himself. One was filled as much as I could and passed off to Belle who wanted to place the plants in the pools. A few others helped. When I then I stepped through, the pools were already half-filled and the power in the room was impactful. The sand was finished and we were waiting for the pool to fill the rest of the way.

Ry stepped through and we closed the portal, knowing it was fine to cut ties. The grotto shifted and then the waterfall began to pour. I had no thoughts of shyness as I stripped down and ran to the waterfall, basking in the cleansing and uplifting energy that flowed through me. Especially when I swallowed some of the water – it was safe to drink.

When I stepped out, a fair few of the demons were staring at me and it was pointed out that I was glowing. Plus there were some hungry stares mixed in. I stepped away from the water and onto the sand, only to find that as I left the water, I was dry. The water had filled the pools and my demons were now stripping as well and wading into the water to relax. They earned it and I thank thanked them so much for their help. They were pleased to have such a rejuvenating place to be. Ry turned to me and smiled happily. It was such a wonderful sight to see him so pleased and excited for new things.

“I believe I have a tree that would thrive in here and add to the grotto.” He looked to Tal, “Could you open a portal that would go into the greenhouse I have plants in there cannot be exposed to anything but darkness or moonlight.”

Tal walked over to where Ry was pointing the tree would fit and opened the portal. There was a shifting in the darkness before roots slithered from the portal. It was very slow but we all watched as a beautiful silver-white tree moved into place next to the water. It looked like a white willow tree. Long branches hung down and brushed the water. The moment the roots and branches touched the water, the tree came to life and glittered as if it were a moon itself. It swayed and caressed the area. Ry looked over the moon (pun intended) and was writing down notes in a small journal he always carried. The energy of the grotto changed but in a way that it felt complete and thriving. There was a vitality of not just the moon and sand and water, but the tree became a new part of the whole.

Intimacy of the Silver Sands

This is more of an 18+ experience that can be skipped.

There’s something special about the grotto once it settled in. The energy shifted and I felt this sense of pleasure creeping up. Before I could think about it, King Tal pulled me into the pool water before lifting me up onto the edge of it. My legs were in the water but I sat perched on a rock. I was laid back and his hands ran over my thighs. The demons around me, my companions, watched eagerly. Ry came and held down my hands above my head while his other hand traced over my chest very gently.

Tal was occupied with running his hand over my stomach and thighs, laying kisses to the skin. It didn’t take long for him to dive between my thighs and bring ecstasy to my body. I was pinned down and Ry was holding my hands and Tala was pleasuring me with his mouth. The others watched and smiled as the energy of the sands surged around me energetically. It heightened the experience and I co could physically feel things stronger than normal.

I didn’t last long at all and when I came, it was with a burst of energy that swept through the room. I was picked up and lowered into the water where King Tal ran his hands over my body and pulled me close. Ry slipped in behind and it was a close hug between us three with light kisses here and there.

Overview

It was shocking when I returned to the physical. It felt as if only 20 minutes had passed physically – the internal clock. When in reality it was over 45 minutes to 50 minutes that I was in that heavy meditative state. The real amazing part was that in the astral, it was closer to 4-5 hours of time if not longer because I was bouncing between the realms.

It was an amazing experience. I have not been out and about in the astral in a long time. Having King Tal in my life has brought so much change and this was a new one, feeling safe and free to go out and travel the astral once more. Something that hasn’t been felt in years.