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Sensory Hell with Ramble Thoughts

by with No Comment Day to Day InteractionsWorking with Demons

Today was hell on me in a way I haven’t had in awhile. I was in sensory overload the entire day, to the point that I couldn’t have anyone come near me and my shirt was the wrong texture, the socks made my skin crawl. So many things, that I even had to take off Paya’s vessel because the necklaces felt like they were strangling me. I got to the point I couldn’t function. I laid down for the rest of the evening and fell asleep. I couldn’t even have noise other than the top fan on because it was so sensory overload that I felt like an open raw nerve.

Thankfully, it passed when I woke up a few hours later. But the entire day had passed by then and I had felt like it was just a day off that I couldn’t help. Yet, I still wanted to do something to make it worthwhile. I w ent back over to the office and ended up writing a chapter of a fanfiction that I’m sure people will adore that I updated. It was 2k words, so short, but at least I did it.

I’v’e realized that I’m super inspired, the demons are really helping me to get back to it. But I”m getting triggered with seeing old projects with my name attached. I’ve got such dysphoria around my actual/real name that my skin crawls when I see it and I get so heavily triggered with anxiety. IDK how to even tackle that massive shadow and trauma healing tbh. One day, I think it’s just going to be me working through it and continue writing and publishing my stuff otherwise.

So I’m sitting here way late, realzing that I haven’t done my post for today. I also am inspired to write a new chapter of a new fic, but I’m facing the severe anxiety and the demand avoidance has kicked in hard. I wanted to also sit with my demons and start this new work. Yet my brain is just yeeted itself out the window. I also feel guilty that I don’t have anything or did anything today either. They’d get cranky at me for thinking I should feel guilty.

I’m being told to lay down and read and that it can wait another day. Rest is important, especially when days are harder emotionally, mentally, or physically. This goes for the times where you can’t control it and there isn’t a way to manage symptoms, just hope they pass quickly.

I do have two packages coming tomorrow. So crossing my fingers that I get some really amazing hits again on this Lorcana TCG box. Gotta love the demonic influenced sales! Especially when the demons argued so hard for me to get them when I didn’t think. I could afford. But in doing so, they reminded me of the mindsets that I am working to shift. Stop worrying about the money spent out, because more is coming in. I’m getting more and more comfortable with dropping money on things without blinking at the price. I’m still at a threshold before I start really questioning it, but it’s much higher than where I was a few months ago.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Understanding Grief and Trauma

by with No Comment Spiritual Thoughts & Things

I needed to sit on this for a few days, because there was such a download of information and concepts.
It had been a struggle that day, because I told multiple people – I don’t know how to handle grief.

It’s not that I haven’t been taught or that I don’t know the process, but it’s how I handle it personally. Within and emotionally. My grandfather has not passed and as Lycana put it bluntly, I was stuck in a limbo of grief, because I couldn’t go see him or talk to him and just waiting for the text that he passed. But back to Tuesday, which this this next part was all a part of…

I had expressed that I don’t understand the grieving process that I have. I go through bursts of where I forget what’s happening and block it out. I’m more emotional over everything. I’m feeling so much more acutely with insecurities and problems that crop u. I have these random bursts of crying in the middle of the night. I’m not sleeping or hardly.

I was laying in bed watching a comfort movie, it was about 3am. One of my demons steps forward, though to this point I still don’t know which one it is (I figured out writing this that it was Dro – my Choas/Necrosis/Desire Alchemist). But in truth, it doesn’t matter as much as the message and perspective does. I had just finished with one of those moment where I was going back and forth between crying really had in grief and then just feeling nothing and closing off, then back to crying hard again. Hence why I never really “got” the grieving part.

I told him this. I expressed how bad I felt because I’m in this grieving process and feeling shame that I feel the need to sexual intimacy because that is a release. And he told me that Sexual Intimacy or Orgasms are essentially a release, not just energetically and physically but emotionally. Usually it is something that is stress relief, but it would be understandable if there is a buildup of emotion that is trapped for there to be a need for a release that orgasms would be desired. He also reminded me that I am also feeling a hormonal surge due to having that time of the month, so that’s contributing, and I cannot control what my body is needing.

After that conversation, I just laid there and felt so detached. I felt so drained. Yet, the thought came back to me. “Why do I grieve the way that I do?”

Dro decided to answer me with this. He said that it’s not that I don’t have the ability to grieve normally, it’s just that my brain is different. I process things so differently.

As a DID system and someone with C-PTSD, the brain is going to handle grief differently. It could be this way for many, but with the DID and C-PTSD, dissociation is very much a reality when it comes to things that are upsetting. Grief being one of those.

Dro asked me to think of the stages of grief. So I did. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, etc.
Dro then told me to look at how PTSD and trauma is handled and processed in the brain – the exact types of process that grief does. There’s anger and denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance… and just all of those aspects that you find with grieving are also processes that trauma/PTSD goes through.

Now his point was made. The reason that I suffer so much during grief, is because my brain handles it that way that it handles trauma. I dissociate the pain and the problem, so to speak, and branch that off into trauma boxes. So I will hold onto those until my brain and body process that grief in a non-objective way, to then heal and move forward. It can be something that people who have been through a lot of trauma will or can experience, that their brains will handle it as a trauma rather than an emotional pain.

That blew my mind. It explains why I do not handle grief at all well and why it will absolutely wreck my life until it’s sorted. Because I absolutely will shut down most days and completely block of all of the grief, forgetting it.

Dro did point out that because I have DID that I may take it to the extreme and actually forget/dissociate the grief into a trauma alter, where when I do remember or am reminded, I end up go through the trauma of it all over and over again.

So I’ve been sitting on this for a few days because it was SO explaining why I don’t function in grief and over death (of someone I know). Because my brain has been wired to treat upsetting things as trauma, therefore treating my grief like a trauma – which gets re-traumatized every time I dissociate those feelings.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Fighting Fear and Trauma

by with No Comment Spiritual Thoughts & Things

There has been such a big flow of exploration through The Demon Temple Inner Sanctuary‘s Advanced Psychic Development Coaching sessions. The last month has focused on energy identification, and the bigger one that impacted me was working with imagination on astral creation. Now, it has been focused on imagination as a whole to help connect with companions, but I took it a bit further of it being with Astral Travel.

The start of it all has really hit me hard with having to tackle the trauma and the fear. I’ve been fighting and struggling with the fear and shame. I have such a deep-seated fear of the trauma occurring again that I ended up sitting with King Paimon. Who sat with me in my own Astral Home that he gifted me (the Oasis) that I reference here often.

He talked to me about the pain and the trauma that I have gone through was not an environmental problem. It wasn’t that I was in the Astral that was causing the issue. The fear of the Astral being associated with the pain that Others have caused. It’s trauma that others (real people) caused with the Astral being the place it occurred, not that the Astral was the cause of my trauma.

That was a revelation that I really have had to sit with. It’s taking a lot more than planned for me to really work with this, though it’s been pointed out this is years of compacted pain and shame.

The shame stems from the fact that I am ashamed that I let it get to me. I let things get to me so much that it’s been three years since I was actively working on the astral, with companions, etc.

But it feels better now. After sitting with this the last month and really having conversations with others that revolve around working with the astral. In fact, I feel that my excitement stems so much from the in depth conversations that I have had with a few others. I never realized that for me, some topics being done over and over and over again, gets incredibly boring. My brain just disengages. So to get into really nuanced questions around astral work, astral creation….. it’s opened my desire to work on the astral so much more.

Now, it’s just actually taking the leap. It’s going back into things and feeling that safe feeling once more. That’s my biggest thing, is that I’m afraid of judgment from my companions, and I am afraid of judgment from my partner. Which I guess is the next thing to tackle.

Calm relaxation meditation concept. Sexy fashion model Fantasy woman sitting under water sea, red long silk dress fabric floating. fairy girl posing in deep pool underwater shooting Art Magic light

Processing Trauma

by with No Comment Emotional & Mental

I really am still processing so much of the trauma and pain that’s associated around astral work and with my own spirituality. It’s still hard at times to want to reach out to anyone, just keeping reserved inside. I’m having to tackle so much of the pain of betrayal and pain of shame that things have really hit me hard lately.

I’m also having to deal with a lot of complex feelings around that my grandfather is in the hospital, he’s home now, and that I cannot call or talk to him to say goodbye. So there’s this feeling of anger that I can’t actually say goodbye, but also this is the man who in my later years as an adult didn’t care about my food allergy.

Emotions are hard. Dealing with more than one thing at once sucks a lot.

I miss working with my demons, but I’ve become self conscious about it.